I have spent years reading books from the self-help/self-improvement industry in the hopes of creating meaningful change in my life. From Dale Carnegie and Jim Rohn to Stephen Covey and Jack Canfield to Tony Robbins and Ryan Holiday, I had been searching for hacks, strategies, or tricks to improve my life. And when you accept someone else’s—and really a whole generation’s—definition of success, you’re tempted to believe (as I did until recently) that you are broken. Because you haven’t kept up with the Joneses. But maybe it’s time to break the rules.
Pushing Back on Hustle and Grind
In reading a lot of the self-help books out there, a repeated message is that success demands that you go all-in. Too tired? Doesn’t matter, get up and work it. Not feeling it? Too bad, get up and work it. Getting up at three o’clock in the morning and staying up late past everyone else is worn as a badge of honour. Forget about spending time with your family and friends, going to a movie or dinner, or enjoying even the occasional ‘lazy’ afternoon. If you’re not working all the time on your dreams or ambitions, we’re told that we’re not committed. Why are so many people eager, and willing, to accept that success means working every day, all day, or else you’re a loser?
I know that success takes hard work, and that we must be committed to whatever it is we are trying to create. But that doesn’t mean that we cannot live a meaningful life. Just because I might be in a position to get up at three in the morning to create doesn’t mean that someone else can. Or just because one person can walk away from their day job to focus on launching a business doesn’t mean you can. This advice is thrown out like they are laws that must be followed to the T. Try going all-in, all-out, for years on end and success may come. But there’s no guarantee. But I bet you’ll have a visit or two from burnout, and that’s when you’ll know it’s time to break the rules.
Carve Out Your Own Path
When I was training for my first marathon in 2019, I was reading David Goggins’s, Can’t Hurt Me, at the same time. I found his story, like his commitment, inspiring. As I was training, the voice in my head convinced me that I could be just like him. So, I started disrespecting my training plan. On the weeks I was supposed to run 30K (18.6 mi), I ran 60K (37.2 mi). Other times, when the weekly max distance was 50K (31 mi), I pushed it to 80K (49.7 mi) or more. One month I surpassed 400K (248.5 mi), but instead of feeling a sense of pride I felt dejected.
I wasn’t David Goggins, and I shouldn’t have tried to be like him. During the three months leading up to the race, my life consisted of work, running, and sleep. Everything else—including writing—ended up on the backburner. I wasn’t living my ideal life but someone else’s. And I’m still dealing with the recurring injuries that prove it. While I think I had an awesome finish for my first marathon (3:49:12), I don’t train like that anymore. I train according to my body, and get after it in a way that I’m comfortable with. My rules, my life, my way.
Break the Rules
I’m taking a break from the self-help world. I realized that it’s been bringing me down more than lifting me up. As a nightshift worker, it isn’t easy to ‘just push through’ the tiredness. It isn’t easy to run every day when I’ve only had three hours of sleep, and an early-evening nap is the difference between me staying awake during my shift or ending up burnt out. In pursuing our dreams, we must inject some reasonableness into our approach. You see, when I started to believe the [bad] advice that tells you it’s all or nothing, I felt sorry for myself. Worse even, it perpetuated my belief that I wasn’t worthy or enough.
I’m not saying, either, that you’ll have balance in every area of your life. But we know that those who have been ‘lucky’—the Stephen Kings, the Beyoncés, the Brie Larsons—toiled for years in the dark before achieving success. Getting to the destination is important, but lest we forget to enjoy the journey along the way. Break the rules, and hence the cycle, by not relying on someone else telling you what to do (because you already know). Don’t take their prescription as your own (because you are unique).
Be Still and Know
Stepping away from self-help—books, motivational speeches, podcasts—aligns with my approach to cutting out the noise. Because since April, I’ve been off social media and have limited my news consumption (which is hard during a U.S. election year where the world is watching). It’s not just about, either, minimizing distractions but more giving myself the space to think. When I am still, when I can clear out the chatter in my head, that leads to clarity. And clarity allows me to focus on what matters.
Maybe it’s, too, in part because of my age and a certain health condition that I’m dealing with, but I don’t want my life to be solely about my writing or running goals. They are important, and writing especially is who I am, but neither of those are who I am exclusively. I want to feel—now and at the end of this journey—that I mattered, that I loved, and that I made a difference.
Remember, you are loved, you are worth, and you matter. And you don’t need anyone’s permission to be—wholly and unapologetically—who you are.
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