Stop Trying to Fix Yourself

I was looking forward to the Family Day long weekend in February. My partner was heading out to spend time with his family, and I was excited about a couple of days alone to rest. But instead of enjoying a couple of truly restful days, I ended up sick with the stomach flu. And as I lay prostrate—sometimes on the sofa, other times on the bathroom floor thinking that this is the ‘end’—I couldn’t help but think about life. Specifically, I thought about how, for months on end, I’d tried unsuccessfully to change my life. It made me ask myself, Why are you trying to constantly fix yourself?

Self-Sabotage

In April 2024, when I embarked on my change journey, I had big hopes for myself. I wanted to eat healthier consistently, exercise more, finish a writing project and start another, figure out how to quit my job, and pay off some debt. In general, I wanted to live a more inspired life. And like any new adventure, I started off with a lot of enthusiasm…that didn’t last. Why? Because I was constantly—knowingly or unknowingly—sabotaging my own efforts.

When you’re trying to fix yourself, you have to truly understand what’s ‘wrong’ and why you want to change. All I knew was that my life was headed in a direction I didn’t like. And, somehow, I needed to figure out, and quickly, how to prevent myself from driving over the edge.

What Do You Really Want?

I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but I’ve never allowed myself to truly live what it means to be a writer. Because for most of my adult life, I’ve been trying to live up to my parents’ expectations—even though they’ve been long dead. Because I knew, as their only son, me being gay was one of their biggest disappointments, er, shame. And despite telling myself that I had to live my own life—and I have tried to—I’ve been trying to make up for disappointing them.

It’s why I tried to move up the corporate ladder, embrace that safe life, but always sabotage opportunities to climb higher. And it’s why my resume is a patchwork of unrelated jobs of minimal duration. Because I was so easily bored doing anything that stifled my creativity, that took me away from what enlivened my soul. To ease my guilt, to wipe out my parents’ disappointment—be some remote version of who they wanted me to be while killing myself softly.

Fix yourself? Yeah, right!

Stop Trying to Fix Yourself

There is nothing wrong in trying to improve yourself. The caveat is that nothing will change, and you won’t change, if you’re not prepared to take a monumental risk. Risk is uncomfortable, and it’s easy to then fall back into what’s familiar. My own example over the years relates to how I told myself I needed to get out of debt. I’d pay off my credit card and keep a zero balance for a month or two before I started spending again. That was familiar (and stupid): having what I wanted in the moment and then figuring out how to pay it off again.

Then I finally, and just recently, understood, thanks to Gary John Bishop, that “your life will go in the direction of whatever you give your attention, time, energy, and actions to.”¹ While I still want to eat healthier, run more, and achieve financial freedom, I’m not focusing on fixing myself anymore. Instead, I’m giving my time, energy, attention, and actions to creating an inspired life that lights me up each and every day.

And if no one has told you today, remember that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And you don’t need anyone’s permission to be—wholly and unapologetically—who you are.

1. Bishop, G. J. (2019). Stop Doing that Sh*t: End Self-Sabotage and Demand Your Life Back, HarperOne, p. 200. [↩]