Begin where you are. Do not wait for inspiration. Do not wait for the right moment, the right circumstances. And, above all, do not wait on someone else to give you permission. Waiting holds you back, holds you hostage to a life you don’t want and that does not belong to you. You may be afraid, and the future may be uncertain, but you must just begin where you are.
Decide What You Want
Over the past eleven months, I’ve written a lot about change, because I wanted to change me and my life. And the biggest, slap-in-the-face lesson I’ve learned? Change is f*cking hard. Despite telling myself that I wanted to change, I spent most of those past eleven months stuck in the same place, doing the same things, and simply watching time pass by. Time that is lost forever. How did that happen? The answer hurts: I was too afraid to begin.
Change requires that you lose yourself to become yourself. It means you stop doing everything that is holding you back (and, believe me, you know exactly what those things are even if you’re too ashamed to admit them to yourself). And that’s what is so hard about change. You want to be comfortable, but growth only happens in discomfort. I could not decide, truly decide, what I wanted. And that’s only half true. I was too afraid to pay the price that change demanded. Afraid I’d fail again. Afraid of what other people would say and think.
Sacrifice Equals Change
Something I realized during my less than profitable change journey was that, despite some of the decisions I made, I had gotten away from stillness. I couldn’t escape the noise of the world and couldn’t think. Everyone else’s opinions became my own and, consequently, I lost my way. I’d forgotten that stillness lets us be present, and to “finally see truth […] hear the voice inside us.”1 I needed to get quiet and hear that voice inside of me.
So, I did begin by getting quiet and cutting out the noise. And the answer came (perhaps it had always been there but I wasn’t open to hearing it): sacrifice who I am today for who I want to become tomorrow. That means no more Twizzlers, or cookies, or processed foods. It means running/cycling despite the pain. No complaining or gossiping. No reckless spending. Absolutely no more excuses. These are the sacrifices I’m now willing to pay for the life I want, and to become who I want to be.
Just Begin
Over the past eleven months, I failed to change my life. I own that. I could see that as wasted time or a learning opportunity. I’m choosing the latter, because I’m tired of being stuck in a life I don’t want. Tired of not living up to who I know I can be. Yes, tired of breaking promises I made to myself. Because no one can do the work but me. I’m in charge and must take responsibility.
As I begin again, one thing hasn’t changed: change is f*cking hard. The temptation to hold on to everything that is comfortable is strong. But one day at a time, I’m pulling myself out of the place that I’ve outgrown. And I won’t stop until I’m living the life I want for myself, and have become who I know I can be.
Did you hear that voice inside of you today? This is what it’s saying: You are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And you don’t need anyone’s permission to be—wholly and unapologetically—who you are.
- Holiday, R. (2019). Stillness is the Key, Portfolio/Penguin, p. 36 [↩]
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