Writing Life

Monday morning. The beginning of a new week. And, today, the beginning of the month of May. In a way, it’s an opportunity to reboot, to get myself back on track. Or that’s my hope.

I’ve been at my desk for a couple of hours now. With my Morning Pages complete, I begin by tackling one of the top three priorities I’ve set for the day. I’ve decided to work first on my blog. I’ve sat down several times over the past few weeks — here at my desk, in airport lounges, in a hotel room — to write this blog post. Yet I never managed to finish it. That had me asking this question: Why?

Lately, I’ve been struggling — not with procrastination, writer’s block or doubt — but with balance. I’ve been unable to resist the temptation to rush, rush, rush — to let myself be swept up in the hustle and bustle of life. Unable to heed my own advice, I’ve been trying to do it all.

As an artist (in my case, a writer), it’s taken me a long, long time to understand the importance of balance. Growing up the term artist was viewed with skepticism and cynicism. Being an artist was considered an “unsafe” career choice. Expectations had long been set, and I was supposed to follow a career path that would lead to stability. The “Brules,” as Vishen Lakiani explains in his book, The Code of the Extraordinary Mind. So I went to university, first to study journalism before abandoning it for a degree in French Literature. Here, I’ll let you in on a little secret. No matter how hard you try, you can’t outrun who you are. I know. During my university years, I spent most of my free time writing!

Two years after I graduated I moved to Ottawa (Ontario), where I lived for ten years. It was during that time when I understood that I had to, as Queen Latifah put it, “[…] be brave enough to be your (my) true self.” When I did that, I found my voice. My writings were published. My paintings were included in exhibitions. I wasn’t worried about achieving celebrity status. All I knew was that I had to make time for my art, to do what matters most.

While I tried, I was never able to achieve — in both the public and private sectors — the work-life balance needed for me to husband my artistic dreams. The catchphrase at the time, which is still quite popular today, was “work-life balance.” For some companies, “work-life balance” isn’t just a catchphrase. There are tools, policies and mechanisms in place to help employees achieve a balance between their work and personal lives. Other companies simply don’t make the grade.

My mother’s sudden death in 2010 forced me take stock of my life. What did I really want out of life? What did I need to do to move my dreams forward? I had already left Ottawa by this point and was living in Sherbrooke (Quebec). Step one was for me to take some time to “recharge,” strip away all the doubts, fears and anxiety cluttering up my mind. It was a great opportunity for me to focus on my artistic projects. I wrote, painted and composed music. I was having a blast being my true self.

It was also a time when I had to figure out what I wanted to do for a day job since I knew I would have to return to the workforce. I’ve never bought in to the concept that to be a real artist you have to be a full-time artist. As Julia Cameron reminds us in her book, Walking in this World, “The actual truth is we are all full-time artists. Art is a matter of consciousness.” All I knew is that I didn’t want to go back into an office environment because, no matter how hard I tried, working nine to five felt like I was wearing a straitjacket. It took about six months for me to become bored with my position before I would start looking for another job. I would come home exhausted and often put off making art. What was I to do?

In October 2012, and on a whim, I applied to become a flight attendant. I had absolutely no expectations and no idea about what I was getting myself into. But as training progressed, and then after I started flying, it became so clear why this was the job for me. While I’m travelling a lot, there’s still so much flexibility in my schedule that I have time to write. There is, finally, the work-life balance that I’ve sought after for so long that allows me to follow my heart’s desire. I don’t feel overwhelmed, although some days I’m so tired I fall asleep on the train home. I’m having fun with my writing, and I’ve been able to move forward. Earlier this year, I self-published my novel, which would have taken a lot longer had I been stuck in a nine-to-five job.

On this rainy and grey first day of May, I’m reminded that when we find the balance that we need, there seems to be a natural ebb and flow to life. Everything comes together, and joy blossoms in our hearts. It gives us the strength and determination, if only for today, to keep on keeping on.

Preface: I’m sharing this blog post, originally posted 13 May 2016 on my old blog site, because it speaks aptly to where I find myself now. Trying to ‘do it all,’ I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and fatigued. This weekend, I let myself rest, and it did my body and mind good.

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Maybe “doing it all” won’t kill, but it can definitely maim the spirit, bring you down.

That’s what happened to me.

I just didn’t know it until this morning, waking up to grey skies and damp streets, and feeling a bit humdrum about the day ahead. But by the time I ventured out to drop off my dry cleaning and to grab an early morning coffee Atlas Espresso Bar, the rain had stopped. The blue skies were mainly clear, the sun was shining, the air was warm. The weather had changed so quickly, and my mood along with it.

Ever since my computer crashed last month, I’ve been working to fix my daily routine. In a word: find my focus. I’ve cut out the distractions while I write, i.e., turn the TV off. I’m getting up earlier, around 5:00 am each day, to focus on my most important creative projects when I feel the freshest. I’ve adjusted my attitude, not letting myself be beaten down by my inner critic who was constantly asking me, “What’s the point?” I can say, with a sense of pride, that I’ve been successful at maintaining these “new” work habits for the past month. My productivity has soared. I’ve taken action (hired an editor, set to work on a new website, began learning more about social media, written a strategic plan) hoping to move more confidently in the direction of my dreams. I should feel more confident about my creative journey, right?

Why doesn’t it feel like enough? Why is it that I still feel a sense of disappointment?

Because I’m still trying to do it all.

I’ve been equating increased productivity with success without really taking the time to see if I’m working on the projects that do in fact matter the most. I haven’t really understood that there are trade-offs, and time dedicated to one project/activity cannot be used for another. If I’m going to spend three to five hours in the kitchen every afternoon preparing a homemade meal, then I have to realize – and accept – that maybe it’s going to take a little longer for me to write the first draft of a novel, complete the rewrite of a manuscript, or finish building my website. It’s been that lack of understanding, ignorance even, about the importance and necessity of trade-offs that’s made me feel overwhelmed, like I’m stalled. Oliver Burkeman says it nicely: “[…] we make enormous efforts to ignore the reality of trade-offs – and, as a consequence, deny ourselves the best chance of a maximally fulfilling creative career” (“Stop Trying to ‘Do It All’”). I’ve been trying to rush, rush, rush ahead, letting myself be swept up in the hustle and bustle of life, and to what end?

I remind myself today that it’s not a competition. Thanks to my strategic plan, I know where I want to go and by when I want to get there. I’ll be better served, and so will my writing career, if I focus on a short list of tasks to accomplish each day. I’ll bring the top of my game to each task, hopefully see the progress I’m making, and not feel overwhelmed. I see it now as the best way to weather the storm that is doubt and fear.

Already I’m feeling less overwhelmed, the restlessness beginning to ebb. It really is a matter of perspective. Sometimes, trying to push through the doubt and fear, it’s hard to see clearly the track that has been laid, how far along I’ve actually come. That’s why we can only take life one day at a time and, as artists, show up each day to do what really excites us. Let our passion fuel us, help us to love the moment in which we find ourselves, and give our very best to our work.

That, to me, is happiness.

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Postscript: In February 2017, I discovered the bullet journal system. While I have modified its approach to suit my needs, it has made a huge difference in how I approach my daily tasks. I no longer feel overwhelmed, and by focusing each day on no more than three (3) top priorities, I can actually see the progress I’m making. It’s not just that my productivity has increased, but that I also feel a sense of forward momentum.

 Are you trying to do it all? What strategies do you have in place to help you stay focused on the tasks that matter? And if you end up overwhelmed, what do you do to shake that feeling?

Let me know in the comments section below.

My name is Marcus Lopés and I’m a writer.

In my first blog post, “The Journey Begins … Again,” I talked about why I write. Let me share that with you again:

But, today, I want to go deeper …

With the publication of my novel, The Flowers Need Watering, I entered the world of indie publishing. I write “literary” or “contemporary” fiction, but because my lead characters are gay, my writing is often tagged as gay romance or gay fiction. There is romance in my stories, but not erotica (which seems to be a staple and expected in mm romance); and that can disappoint a reader expecting steamy sex scenes. That’s not my style.

What I attempt to do through my writing (and I hope successfully) is to explore, through the lens of a personal story, the aspirations of the individual against those of the collective. I hope to challenge the reader’s, as well as my own, belief system. It’s not just about asking, for example, “What are we doing here?” but also “How did we get where we are?” and “Could we get here another way?” For most of us, life is anything but linear. I want us to think about the choices we make and how we respond, either under duress or when our emotions take control, to the challenges we face in life each and every day. Whether the theme is family, love, relationships, forgiveness, etc., it’s my hope that The Flowers Need Watering — my short stories and essays — will foster more love, tolerance, respect and kindness towards each other and ourselves.

Marcus Lopés’s debut indie novel, The Flowers Need Watering, is available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback formats.

You can connect with him on Twitter or find him on Facebook.