Writing Off the Grid

I’m a passenger on my creative journey, not the driver. I think I always knew that, but it struck me yesterday as we sped eastward along the 401 after spending a couple of hours at the Aberfoyle Flea Market. With my gaze fixed on the rolling landscape, I thought about where I’ve been, where I am and where I still hope to go. It also had me thinking about how it all began.

My first “contact,” if you will, with the arts came through music. At age six I started piano lessons, and shortly thereafter I was performing in church and in the spotlight from which I tried desperately to escape. In my early twenties, I turned away from music. Perhaps it was a way for me to affirm who I was. My parents saw it as an “act of rebellion” but I just had other ideas about my life. I didn’t see myself as a church organist, nor did I have any desire for a professional music career. Perhaps, too, I was just scared and that I had bought into the belief — preached at me by my family — that a life in music, and the arts in general, was a dead end that would only lead to a life of alcoholism and drug addictions. Did I really want to end up like that? My mother prayed that I wouldn’t!

But by the time I finished my undergraduate degree in French literature, I knew that I wanted to be a writer. I poured my heart and soul into writing, and good things finally happened. My short stories, poems and essays were published. And then, after a lot of hard work and weathering the flood of rejection letters, my first novel was published. Writing began to bear fruit.

When I moved to Ottawa in 1999, it was the first time in my life that I didn’t have regular access to a piano. The only times I played were when I returned to Halifax to visit family. As I pursued my writing, I felt that something was still missing. I wasn’t sure at the time what that something missing was. After a long absence, I had returned to painting yet, still, I couldn’t shake that feeling of something missing.

A week after I’d started a new job in 2004, providence moved. One of my colleagues mentioned that the person whose position I had taken was looking to sell her baby grand piano to make room for the incoming grand. Without batting an eyelash, I swooped in and bought the piano. That feeling of something missing had ebbed. I was making music again.

From 2005 to 2013, I bounced creatively between music, painting and writing. Some days I ended up completely lost in my writing, and that was all that I can do. Any other creative projects ground to a halt. Other days, I scrambled between my office and my painting studio to work on a new series. Then I found myself showing up at the piano not just to practice but to compose. And the music rained down on me in hard pounding sheets, and I struggled to take it all down, to let “God” or the “Universe” work through me in a new way.

I’ve faced many turns on my creative path, and as a passenger, I wasn’t always certain where I’d end up. When I took a new job in early 2013, I didn’t foresee how things would change. I’ve been focused singly on my writing (my piano and painting supplies remain in storage). But something feels different. I don’t feel like I’m “missing” something. I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be, doing what I’ve been called to do.

I am trying to make the most of this life and to follow my heart’s true desire. As Laura Vanderkam encouraged in her TED Talk, How to Gain Control of Your Free Time: “When we focus on what matters, we build the lives we want, in the time we have.”

I don’t mind being a passenger. The journey is pretty sweet.

Are you on a journey, creative or otherwise? Do you see yourself as a passenger or a driver? Let me know in the comments section below.

Passenger

Having spent the last three and a half weeks in training, I couldn’t wait to get back to my writing routine. The whole time I was in training (it was intense and demanding), I didn’t write much other than my Morning Pages. I tried to write or edit, but getting up at 4:00 am for a class that started at 7:00 am took more out of me than I had anticipated. When I got home I barely had enough energy to study, and certainly didn’t have the necessary focus to write.

Now the training is behind me (although my internal clock hasn’t fully adjusted), and writing isn’t coming easily. There’s a certain restlessness hanging over me that I can’t shake. Or maybe it’s that being “away” from my writing so long has me doubting my talent as a writer despite past successes. I’m not sure. What I do know is this: I feel stuck and need to find a way to get moving again.

When I feel stuck, like I have lost my footing, I immediately reach for Julia Cameron’s Walking in This World: The Practical Art of Creativity. You see, for me feeling stuck is icky, like I’ve let myself become a victim. I’m desperate to change my mindset, for a paradigm shift. In reading the first chapter from Cameron’s book this morning, what stuck with me was this: “When we do not act in the direction of our dreams, we are only ‘dreaming.’ […] Dreams coupled with the firm intention to manifest them take on a steely reality. Our dreams come true when we are true to them.”

I’m afraid. I don’t want to my creativity to plummet, or to get stuck in a rut that I won’t be able to pull myself out of. When that happens, I get so caught up in how I’m not writing that procrastination ends up riding roughshod over me. And then I lose sight of the long view. I focus more on how I’m not doing and what I’m not doing than on what I could be doing.

So on this Sunday morning, I sat down to write this blog post (when I was tempted to kick back and watch — for the umpteenth time — Thor: The Dark World) because I need to begin again. I need to let myself be a beginner. I must simply write and commit to it. I cannot worry about where it will lead me or how it will be received. I must simply write and let what needs to be expressed through me manifest itself. I will begin, here, where I am and with who I am.

It is these words of encouragement, courtesy of Goethe, that I come back to often, and today they are the impetus I need to get moving again: “Whatever you think you can do, or believe you can do, begin it, because action has magic, grace and power in it.”

 

I’m a daydreamer. Maybe that’s why I love to write and became a writer. It doesn’t matter where I am — in bed, on the train to work, out for a run, anywhere — I can slip into a daydream the way some people can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. I get lost in them, and when I’m forced back to reality, I come away breathless and slightly unhinged.

As a daydreamer, I often have grand visions of how my day should unfold, which often stands in stark contrast to reality. As A.S. Akkalon and Gregory Josephs have done in similar posts, today I thought I’d share a day in my writing life — how I envision it versus what actually happens.

05:00 – Alarm (Sam Smith’s “Stay with Me”) Goes Off

The Vision

I reach for my glasses, put them on and then bounce out of the bed. I shower, dress and then make a strong cup of coffee using my stove-top espresso maker.

Reality

I wish I had to, but I don’t need to set an alarm. I’m a light sleeper and a morning person. Because of the irregular hours associated with my day job (I’m a flight attendant), I can wake up naturally any time between 3:00 and 06:30. Some days I like to pretend I’m “normal” and sleep in a little longer. Fifteen minutes later though, I’m usually up and at it. And that coffee … Well, back in October 2016, I gave up caffeine and my morning java (decaffeinated) doesn’t offer much of a kick.

05:35 – 10:00 – At My Desk Writing

The Vision

With my coffee in hand, I start my day writing my Morning Pages, which takes about twenty minutes. Then I move on to the rewrite of a novel, my main writing project. I put in close to four and a half solid hours of writing and feel really good about the day.

Reality

I make the mistake (I do it almost every morning; it’s a habit I struggle to kick) of picking up my cell phone when I get up. So my phone ends up on my desk, and checking e-mail or Twitter can mean that it takes up to an hour to complete my Morning Pages. At the same time, I’m going through a mental list of things I need to do, and instead of writing them down to do later I tackle them in between sentences. I think I’m multitasking, but I’m not.

Then at 07:00 my partner’s alarm goes off. He emerges from the bedroom and turns on the TV to watch Breakfast Television. It’s another distraction I don’t need. When he goes to shower, I hit the mute button and then try to focus. Forty minutes later, he’s out of the bathroom and the TV volume is on again. As much as I love him dearly, I can’t wait to turn off the TV as soon as he’s out the door.

10:00 – 10:30 – Social Media Time

The Vision

I allow myself thirty minutes to check Facebook, Twitter and e-mail. I respond to the most important items and then return to writing. I am strict about this time allotment and don’t surpass it.

Reality

I use the Google Extension StayFocusd to limit my time on social media and news sites. Between 00:00 and 16:00, I allow myself fifty-five minutes on these sites. Most days, that’s more than enough time. But I like to check CNN and end up captivated (or dumbfounded) by what’s happening in Washington, DC. Although I’m not American, it certainly is entertaining and a distraction I try to fight every day.

12:00 – 14:00 – Run and Lunch

The Vision

I get out for a nice, ten-kilometre run. Afterwards, I cool down at home, have lunch and shower again. I feel energized after the run and feel like I’m on top of the world.

Reality

I run, but it’s only four or five kilometres. And it’s been a struggle since February when I caught a cold and haven’t stopped coughing since. I thought the cough would go away on its own but it hasn’t. In mid-April, I finally decided to make an appointment to see my family doctor. Given the strain on our healthcare system, it’s no surprise that I can’t see him until the end of May. After a run, if there aren’t leftovers in the house, I can’t decide what to eat. So I go back online, using up my precious and limited social media time. Or I’ll start laundry and put on one of the Jason Bourne movies that I have saved in our PVR.

14:00 – 17:30 – Dinner Prep

The Vision

I’m organized, so the day before I went to the butcher and grocery store to pick up everything I’d need to make dinner. I begin the prep work for one of Julia Child’s or Martha Stewart’s elaborate recipes.

Reality

This is probably the one part of the day that I don’t really fudge with, unless I’m on a roll writing. I love to cook, and I frequently turn to Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking for inspiration and guidance. When I’m not working the day job, I do spend between three to four hours preparing dinner — and trying to pass off venison and elk as beef, or guinea fowl and partridge as chicken to my partner. I love food and love to eat well. If I left the cooking to my partner, we’d be eating Rice-A-Roni, Lean Cuisine and anything else you can simply take out of a box and add water to.

17:30 – 18:00 – Dinner

The Vision

My partner and I sit down at our dining room table and enjoy our dinner with a nice glass of wine.

Reality

Dining room table? Have you seen the size of condos here in Toronto? A lot of them you can barely turn around in without hitting each other. We don’t have a dining room table, or room for one for that matter. We sit on the sofa and eat dinner, watching City News at the same time.

18:00 – 19:00 – Break Time

The Vision

While my partner cleans up the kitchen (I cook, he cleans!), I sip my wine and watch the news or read.

Reality

Here, the vision is pretty much reality. If I’ve had a productive day of writing, I may do a little more work. Or I may schedule a few tweets. But I usually do take it pretty easy during this time.

19:00 – 20:00 – Reading Time

The Vision

I pull out my kindle, or one of the many paperbacks strewn across the condo, and read. It’s a time for me to catch up on what other indie authors are writing, read more on creativity and marketing, or finally get through a few issues of my GQ subscription.

Reality

At 18:59, my partner and I battle for the TV remote. He wants to watch Entertainment Tonight, I want to put Murder, She Wrote on in the background. He wins. I’m trying to read but it’s so hard when Nancy O’Dell and Kevin Frazier are bringing you the latest exploits of the Kardashians. And really, I don’t care about the Kardashians, but I’m fascinated as to why so many people are. I probably only read a paragraph during the half-hour show and can’t remember what I’ve read. Why do we even care? I ask myself repeatedly about the reports on Abby Lee Miller’s fraud case, Mama June’s weight loss or the worst dressed at the Oscars. And the fact that I can easily call up some of these “celebrity names” scares me just a little. Actually, it scares me a lot.

20:00 – 20:30 – Cool Down

The Vision

I put all my electronic gadgets away, turn off the TV and meditate before bed.

Reality

The TV’s still on, and I’m flipping from channel to channel for something mindless to watch. There’s not much that I’m interested in, so I draw again from the recordings of our PVR and pt on an episode of “Three’s Company.” And I don’t meditate.

20:30 – Lights Out

The Vision

I brush my teeth, crawl into bed and fall fast asleep.

Reality

I brush my teeth, crawl into bed, and toss and turn. It takes me forever to fall asleep because I can’t drown out all those unnameable night noises. But eventually I drift off to sleep, waking up often as those same unnameable night noises poke at me.

The Lesson

Life is a journey. I may not always live out the day as I envision it, but each day I step up to put my best foot forward. That’s all I can ask of myself. I remind myself that whether I write 1,500 words in a day or simply one sentence, it’s still progress.

Never give up. As Henry David Thoreau reminds us: “If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

Does your day unfold the way you envision it? Are there distractions like social media that derail your efforts? Let me know in the comments section below how you stay on track.