Marcus Lopés

LGTBQIA2S+ Author, Blogger, Runner

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Writing Off the Grid

Warning: “Doing It All” Can Kill

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Preface: I’m sharing this blog post, originally posted 13 May 2016 on my old blog site, because it speaks aptly to where I find myself now. Trying to ‘do it all,’ I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and fatigued. This weekend, I let myself rest, and it did my body and mind good.

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Maybe “doing it all” won’t kill, but it can definitely maim the spirit, bring you down.

That’s what happened to me.

I just didn’t know it until this morning, waking up to grey skies and damp streets, and feeling a bit humdrum about the day ahead. But by the time I ventured out to drop off my dry cleaning and to grab an early morning coffee Atlas Espresso Bar, the rain had stopped. The blue skies were mainly clear, the sun was shining, the air was warm. The weather had changed so quickly, and my mood along with it.

Ever since my computer crashed last month, I’ve been working to fix my daily routine. In a word: find my focus. I’ve cut out the distractions while I write, i.e., turn the TV off. I’m getting up earlier, around 5:00 am each day, to focus on my most important creative projects when I feel the freshest. I’ve adjusted my attitude, not letting myself be beaten down by my inner critic who was constantly asking me, “What’s the point?” I can say, with a sense of pride, that I’ve been successful at maintaining these “new” work habits for the past month. My productivity has soared. I’ve taken action (hired an editor, set to work on a new website, began learning more about social media, written a strategic plan) hoping to move more confidently in the direction of my dreams. I should feel more confident about my creative journey, right?

Why doesn’t it feel like enough? Why is it that I still feel a sense of disappointment?

Because I’m still trying to do it all.

I’ve been equating increased productivity with success without really taking the time to see if I’m working on the projects that do in fact matter the most. I haven’t really understood that there are trade-offs, and time dedicated to one project/activity cannot be used for another. If I’m going to spend three to five hours in the kitchen every afternoon preparing a homemade meal, then I have to realize – and accept – that maybe it’s going to take a little longer for me to write the first draft of a novel, complete the rewrite of a manuscript, or finish building my website. It’s been that lack of understanding, ignorance even, about the importance and necessity of trade-offs that’s made me feel overwhelmed, like I’m stalled. Oliver Burkeman says it nicely: “[…] we make enormous efforts to ignore the reality of trade-offs – and, as a consequence, deny ourselves the best chance of a maximally fulfilling creative career” (“Stop Trying to ‘Do It All’”). I’ve been trying to rush, rush, rush ahead, letting myself be swept up in the hustle and bustle of life, and to what end?

I’ve been equating increased productivity with success without really taking the time to see if I’m working on the projects that do in fact matter the most.

I remind myself today that it’s not a competition. Thanks to my strategic plan, I know where I want to go and by when I want to get there. I’ll be better served, and so will my writing career, if I focus on a short list of tasks to accomplish each day. I’ll bring the top of my game to each task, hopefully see the progress I’m making, and not feel overwhelmed. I see it now as the best way to weather the storm that is doubt and fear.

Already I’m feeling less overwhelmed, the restlessness beginning to ebb. It really is a matter of perspective. Sometimes, trying to push through the doubt and fear, it’s hard to see clearly the track that has been laid, how far along I’ve actually come. That’s why we can only take life one day at a time and, as artists, show up each day to do what really excites us. Let our passion fuel us, help us to love the moment in which we find ourselves, and give our very best to our work.

That, to me, is happiness.

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Postscript: In February 2017, I discovered the bullet journal system. While I have modified its approach to suit my needs, it has made a huge difference in how I approach my daily tasks. I no longer feel overwhelmed, and by focusing each day on no more than three (3) top priorities, I can actually see the progress I’m making. It’s not just that my productivity has increased, but that I also feel a sense of forward momentum.

 Are you trying to do it all? What strategies do you have in place to help you stay focused on the tasks that matter? And if you end up overwhelmed, what do you do to shake that feeling?

Let me know in the comments section below.

Dig Deep: The ‘Why’ in Why I Write

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My name is Marcus Lopés and I’m a writer.

In my first blog post, “The Journey Begins … Again,” I talked about why I write. Let me share that with you again:

I write because each morning when I awake, and at night when I lay my head down to sleep, writing is what becomes me. It quells within me, gnaws at my heart, enlivens my soul. I write because of the stories within me that I long to tell. I write because of the beauty that is this world. I write because of the ugliness that is this world and perhaps, with my words, I can challenge it. I write because I have a vision of today that may spillover into tomorrow. I write because it is the passion that consumes me. I write because writing is all of me. Writing is who I am.

But, today, I want to go deeper …

With the publication of my novel, The Flowers Need Watering, I entered the world of indie publishing. I write “literary” or “contemporary” fiction, but because my lead characters are gay, my writing is often tagged as gay romance or gay fiction. There is romance in my stories, but not erotica (which seems to be a staple and expected in mm romance); and that can disappoint a reader expecting steamy sex scenes. That’s not my style.

What I attempt to do through my writing (and I hope successfully) is to explore, through the lens of a personal story, the aspirations of the individual against those of the collective. I hope to challenge the reader’s, as well as my own, belief system. It’s not just about asking, for example, “What are we doing here?” but also “How did we get where we are?” and “Could we get here another way?” For most of us, life is anything but linear. I want us to think about the choices we make and how we respond, either under duress or when our emotions take control, to the challenges we face in life each and every day. Whether the theme is family, love, relationships, forgiveness, etc., it’s my hope that The Flowers Need Watering — my short stories and essays — will foster more love, tolerance, respect and kindness towards each other and ourselves.

Marcus Lopés’s debut indie novel, The Flowers Need Watering, is available on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback formats.

You can connect with him on Twitter or find him on Facebook.

The Power of Doubt

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It’s hard to believe that it’s been almost a month since the release of my novel, The Flowers Need Watering. Now I’m learning about how to market a book, and the different things authors should do to build their platform. (On a side note, Write. Publish. Repeat. by Sean Platt and Johnny B. Truant is a great read.) I’m easing into it, learning as I go. It’s easy to get worked up and hope that one person will like your book, and then leave a review. The temptation is to constantly check the sales reports or your book’s ranking on Amazon. Doing that — if only one or two copies are selling each day — can plant seeds of doubt. And if you let those seeds grow, give doubt a chance to blossom, you’re in for a world of hurt.

When I feel that doubt pushing through the surface, I do two things.

Remind Myself Why I Do What I Do

First, I remind myself why I write. Writing every day keeps me anchored in a world that seems to be constantly turning in on itself. Writing fiction helps me to make sense of that world, and the role I play within it. I tell stories that I don’t see being told from a certain point of view. If I were in this for worldwide fame and recognition, I would have given up a long time ago. A brief survey of my working life shows just how much I don’t fit that nine to five mold. I got up early to write before work, wrote over my lunch hour and again before heading home. Sometimes I had to, just had to, call in sick so I could write when a certain project had momentum. Writing is who I am. It’s my calling. It’s what I’m compelled to do.

Keep Doing What I Do

Second, I keep writing. There’s nothing more that doubt hates but to see you still putting words to the page. It’s the best way to silence your inner critic. Since the release of my novel, I’ve been hard at work on my next book. That keeps me and my writing in tune.

So let me share with you part of a blog post, written exactly one year ago today, that captures how I’m feeling today about doubt:

I’ve been hunkered down on a writing project that both excites and terrifies. It excites because the characters have come alive, the writing is assured, and showing up each day to work on it, I’m moving closer to finishing something. It terrifies because some days I get stuck, don’t know how to move the story forward and start to panic. Like I did yesterday. So I put the project aside and worked on something else.

Yesterday I got stuck, and as a writer that’s not new terrain for me. But feeling stuck — feeling like I don’t know how to move the writing forward — allows doubt to make his grand entrance. Doubt, while it scares me, also reminds me that I am on track and on the right path. This time around, however, doubt isn’t bringing me down. It’s lifting me up, putting that spring in my step. Doubt is my muse.

Today, doubt strengthens my resolve to be the best writer I can be. Doubt has me focused and committed to my writing dreams. Doubt has me determined to succeed, to never give up on my dreams.

Yes, I have learned to keep on keeping on by weathering the storm of doubt that often tries to derail me. I’m staying focused on the work, showing up at the page, day after day, and letting the writing move through me. Resigned from competition, I can’t worry about who’s doing better than me or if my Facebook or Twitter followings are growing fast enough. To succeed, I must write, and that takes courage — the courage to do what I love to do and being completely wrapped up in it, giving it my best. Always. When I do that I know I can, just for today, keep on keeping on.

It’s funny … My whole life I’ve felt like I’ve been the black sheep, always moving against the current. As a writer, I feel the same way. It’s why I struggle to get my writing to “fit” ever so nicely into one particular genre. Then again, when I’m writing, I’m not worrying about being a Globe and Mail or New York Times bestseller. I’m just trying to tell the best story I can, in my most authentic voice. That’s how I push through doubt, allowing me, just for today, to begin where I am.

And the rest will follow.

Beyond Doubt: My Journey into Self-Publishing

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What happens when you commit to making your dreams come true? Providence moves, too. It’s why I’ve come to have a deep respect for W. H. Murray’s advice: “Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.”

I was terrified about self-publishing my latest novel, The Flowers Need Watering. While many authors have self-published books, this was a first for me. I was putting out in the world something that I was completely responsible for. I didn’t have the machinery of a big publishing company behind me. I had to do it all on my own.

After receiving the Mobi file from my formatter so I could upload the eBook version to Amazon, I saved the file and tried to forget about it. When I mentioned to my creativity coach that I’d received the formatted file, he asked if I was still on target for my release date. My initial response to him was that I decided to hold off for another week. I wanted to do more pre-release promotions. But that wasn’t true. The truth was this: I was scared.

But I dug deep and found the courage to hit “Publish” on Amazon and my book went live. And I haven’t looked back.

That’s why I believe that when we commit to our dreams, providence move with us, nudges us forward. My decision to self-publish was not easy. Maybe I should try to get the manuscript published via the traditional route, I often mused whenever doubt reared its ugly head. Then I’d think about what that process involved — sending out my manuscript to numerous publishers and waiting for a response. I did that in the past, sometimes receiving a note of encouragement about my writing even though the manuscript was declined for publication. But more often than not, I received the standard form letter rejection. My writing doesn’t necessarily fit nicely into one niche or genre. When deciding between traditional and self-publishing, I was forty-two then and I didn’t feel like waiting for someone else to value my work. That was what prompted me into self-publishing. Once the decision was made, all of a sudden the necessary people and tools popped into my life.

Various editors and proofreaders started following me on Twitter and offering their services. And speaking of editors, I can’t recommend Dave at thEditors.com enough. His insights helped me to tighten the plot, create engaging (although not always likeable) characters, and a better book overall. Cover designers and formatters also became part of my Twitter followers. Stopping for coffee one afternoon at Atlas Espresso Bar and expressing my frustration over a formatting challenge, another customer suggested I check out InDesign by Adobe, which turned out to be a very useful tool. Self-publishing didn’t seem so far-fetched or impossible as it once did. So with the support and encouragement from my friends, my believing mirrors, I went for it. And I’m happy that I did.

People who ask me if I think my book will be a bestseller or how many copies I’ll have to sell to “break even” miss the point. By self-publishing my book, I proved to myself that I had the willpower, discipline and courage to achieve something great. I showed up daily to do the necessary work. I faced down doubt and naysayers because I saw my worth, and believed in myself and my dream.

Have you committed to achieving your dream? I encourage you to complete one task today that moves you closer to making your dream a reality. Ask yourself this: What is the one thing I can do today that will help me achieve my dream? Then do it. And let me know what you did and how you feel.

Make your dreams your priority today.

The Journey Begins … Again

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“Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice; take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgment. […] This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” – Polonius, Hamlet, Act I, Scene III

As a writer, as an artist, it is an axiom that I take to heart: Know thyself.

And this is where I find myself, one more time getting to know myself. At the beginning.

Maybe not exactly at the beginning but somewhere in between. For this journey has been long and unscripted, helping me to grow into the man I’ve always dared to be. And the journey continues, propelling me forward so that I might, finally, see my worth. But for the moment, let’s go back to the beginning.

My name is Marcus Lopés and I am a writer. I write because each morning when I awake, and at night when I lay my head down to sleep, writing is what becomes me. It quells within me, gnaws at my heart, enlivens my soul. I write because of the stories within me that I long to tell. I write because of the beauty that is this world. I write because of the ugliness that is this world and perhaps, with my words, I can challenge it. I write because I have a vision of today that may spillover into tomorrow. I write because it is the passion that consumes me. I write because writing is all of me. Writing is who I am.

For over twenty years, writing has been the constant in my life — my anchor and refuge. Writing, in its own way, has given me life.

And now …

At the beginning of this year, I asked a question on Facebook. It was this: Who will you become in 2017? It was a question I was asking myself because I’d been feeling stuck, uncertain of the way forward and even feeling a little sorry for myself. It was a similar feeling I had in 2015 when I celebrated my 42nd birthday. What I thought back then was this:

Another year older. Another year gone by too quickly. Another year gone by without an offer of publication. Another year of formulaic rejections by e-mail and letter. In the days leading up to my birthday I could hear my inner critic laughing at me, saying, “What’s the point?”

The point is this. There’s nothing else in this life that gives me a greater sense of satisfaction than when I’m at the page creating memorable characters and weaving together intricate plots. Writing is the first thing that I do in the morning when I wake up. That pushed me to ask the question, Who will I become in 2017? And now the answer is clear: Extraordinary.

I don’t mean extraordinary in the sense that my goal is to become some world-famous writer or YouTube sensation (but I suppose that could happen). I mean extraordinary in the sense that I’m going to do what so many people are afraid to do. I’m going to focus on what matters. For me, that is writing. In this day and age, I don’t have to wait for one of the big publishing companies to accept my novel. If I’m willing to invest the time, energy and resources necessary to put together a great book, I can publish it myself. I don’t have to be always waiting on someone else to recognize my worth. I know my worth. I see my worth. I’m willing to take a risk on myself because I believe in myself and my dreams.

That is why I’ll soon be releasing my first self-published novel, The Flowers Need Watering.

So I welcome you this day to be a part of my journey. This isn’t about becoming a bestselling author or being nominated for literary awards … This is about sharing my passion with the world because each and every day I am doing what I love.

I love how Laura Vanderkam put it in her TED Talk, “How to Gain Control of Your Free Time”: “When we focus on what matters, we can build the lives we want, in the time we’ve got.”

That’s what I’m trying to do.

Are you willing to build the life you want in the time that you’ve got?