Marcus Lopés

LGTBQIA2S+ Author, Blogger, Runner

belonging

Little Black Book

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I have a little black book. Since 1 July 2015, I’ve used it to track my workouts and weight. I can see the progress I’m making to improve my strength and endurance, and to (more recently) lose weight. Until yesterday, when I ran 21k, the last time I ran more than 15k was on 11 May. Shortly after that date, my hip started to bother me and I, involuntarily, reduced my running to heal. Taking the time to rest doesn’t come naturally to me. I like to be on the go, doing whatever I can to move my writing projects forward and to enjoy life. Be it a running injury or the common cold, things that sideline me — keep me from doing what I love — are inconvenient and irksome.

But now it’s back to normal. Sort of. As I’ve been easing back into my routine, or rather picking up the pieces, I’ve noticed something. I’ve had an unexpected, and unwanted visitor. Procrastination. It’s taken me a bit longer to get out the door running. Putting on a load of laundry, unloading the dishwasher or making a strawberry-rhubarb pie are quick tasks I decide to do just as I’m about to sit down at my desk to write. These things hamper my productivity. And, given my “5 Rules to Live By,” I should know better. When I let myself be distracted, I’m not focusing on the things that matter most. I’m not “fulfilling the highest, truest expression” of myself.

Why am I resisting the work?

Because I’m close to finishing something. A novel, actually. And if I take a few more steps forward, that means it’ll be out in the public domain for consumption. That’s always scary because I never know how it’ll be received. Will people like it? Will they hate it? Will it be a flop? I’ve given it my all and it’s a work I believe in. But that doesn’t stop me from imagining the worst. Still, I must keep moving forward. Why?

Finishing something reminds us as artists that we’ve shown up at the page, the easel, the piano, and dared to be faithful to who we are. We’ve succeeded at navigating through whatever hurdles that stood before us. Finishing something proves that we are resilient, and that we’ve taken to heart what Goethe told us: “Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.”

I open my second black book, this one slightly bigger, and, flipping through the pages, I realize that over the past couple of months I’ve laid a lot of track. Despite what I’ve thought, I’ve made progress. Injury and illness haven’t kept things at a standstill. I look at my to-do list and at the top is “Finish Changes to Manuscript.”

It’s time to sit down and begin that which I believe I can do.

How close are you to finishing something? What obstacles do you feel are standing in your way? Let me know in the comments section below.

Picking Up the Pieces

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I’ve been fighting a cold for the past week. It’s persistent. It doesn’t want to go away. The cough. The runny and congested nose. The pounding head. Waking up in the middle of the night covered in sweat. Yuck, yuck, yuck. I try to soldier on — acting like I’m healthy and invincible. I zip about like the Road Runner. Not this time. This cold has me beat and has brought my entire world to a halt. Now I’m picking up the pieces.

This time around, I decided to let myself rest. It’s the most awkward, unnatural feeling for me. I’m used to getting up around 4:30 am to make the best of the day (part of my “5 Rules to Live By”), but this past week the earliest I crawled out of bed was six. I usually run three to five times a week, but fighting this cold and with a sore hip — and having to run through the pain — I made it out for two runs. While I write every day, the sessions were shorter because I couldn’t focus. Projects moved forward, but I still felt like I’d fallen behind schedule. My evenings are dedicated to reading, but again this past week I curled up on the sofa to watch ET, reruns of Murder, She Wrote and The Big Bang Theory.

Routine is important – for both my writing and running. This morning, I’m getting both back on track.

Being sick is a sign. It’s my body telling me to slow down, rest … smell the roses. It’s a great way to get perspective on life in general — where I am, where I’ve been and where I’m still hoping to go. The past few days especially, when I’ve had no energy and have been glued to the sofa. Certain questions kept popping up: Am I where I want to be? What can I be doing differently? Am I focused on what matters? Being sick is also a reminder that it can’t be all work and no play. I need to remember that as I start to feel better.

And I am, finally, starting to feel better. That means picking up the pieces and trying to get back on track. It doesn’t feel as easy as I thought it would. I kind of feel like I’ve lost my groove, that I’m starting over from zero. Maybe that’s not a bad thing, either. When I step back from what I’ve been working on, I know I come back to it with a new perspective. I can see what’s working and what’s not. I have a better idea of how I’m supposed to move forward.

How We Define Success

Battling a cold for me can be dangerous. It can bring about a bout of self-pity, smash my optimism, and rattle me to my core. That’s because I can spend too much time in my head, and the only thing I hear is my inner critic telling me why I’ll never succeed, why there are so many people doing better than me. That’s when I need reassurance that I’m on the right path. So, even though I wasn’t feeling my best, I made arrangements to have dinner with another artist friend.

Oh, boy…

While I’ve only known my friend (I’ll call her Magda) three years, there are a few similarities between our stories. We’re both artists. I’m a writer, she’s a dancer. We’re both in our forties. We’ve been working passionately on our art for over twenty years in the shadows of day jobs that bore us. And for a good part of 2018, we’ve both been caught in a ‘funk’ that has kept us pinned down by doubt.

Over dinner, I listened to Magda talk and I could tell she was frustrated. She’d been trying to get to the studio to dance as much as possible. But lately, there were days when she just decided to stay in bed. That was odd because I knew dancing kept her grounded. Something was off, especially when she started talking about finding “something different” to do with her life.

“Besides dance?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. “Maybe it’s time for me to grow up and get a real job.”

“Where’s this coming from?” I asked.

I shook my head as Magda told me about her conversation with the owner of the dance studio where she works and takes classes. He asked her what she wanted to do with her life. She said she was doing it — dancing and performing as much as she can. For him — with his studio, steady income and a home with its white-picket fence — Magda’s bohemian life wasn’t “right.” She needed to settle down, work to build some sort of legacy. His question, and his idea of happiness, threw Magda off and ever since then she’s been questioning everything.

I get it. I get it so much. The life trajectory of an artist isn’t straightforward. We don’t all study art or obtain graduate degrees in fine arts or creative writing. We don’t all win fellowships or the Man Booker Prize. We don’t all open our own dance studio, gallery or self-publishing school. We know that the piano or painting or writing or choreography is our calling, but how we are called into service can take many forms. Sometimes, because of societal/familial pressure to go into a “safe” profession, we resist our calling until we can’t resist it anymore. We may not be able to just throw away everything for our art, but we dive in where we are and begin.

That’s kind of what happened to me. I was working on a master’s degree (that I hated and didn’t end up finishing), but somehow in the midst of a heavy course load I took a creative writing class at the local community college. When I was a civil servant (again a job I hated and ended up leaving), I worked with a writing coach long-distance. The artist’s life isn’t linear, and our journey is as important as what we produce. The journey is our fodder.

My friend Magda is letting someone else’s idea of success coax her away from what’s really important to her. And I think that’s dangerous. Some define success as being a New York Times bestselling author, becoming a millionaire, performing at Carnegie Hall, having your film win Best Picture at the Academy Awards, but I believe it’s more than that. Success to me is the person who says, “I’m going to write a book,” and then sits down to write that first sentence and eventually types, “The End.” Success is the person who sets out to participate in, say, three master classes in the next six months, signs up and attends. Success is the person who has a dream and, each day, takes an action to move the dream forward. Success is the person who tries, fails, tries again, fails again, and keeps on trying.

Sometimes we’re so preoccupied with getting to the destination that we forget about the journey. When we step back and look at where we began and where we are now, we can see that we’ve laid a lot of track. I saw that with Magda in April when I attended one of her dance performances. She’s hard on herself — we’re always hard on ourselves, comparing ourselves to others — but she’s a good dancer. She’s grown and matured in her art. To me, she’s a success.

Be Who You Are

The biggest challenge we face is to be ourselves in a world that keeps trying to turn us into something we’re not, to make us conform to a certain — acceptable — way of being. But Oprah Winfrey reminds us in her book, The Wisdom of Sundays[note]Oprah Winfrey, The Wisdom of Sundays, Flatiron Books, 2017, p.8.[/note] that “All of us are seeking the same thing. We share the desire to fulfill the highest, truest expression of ourselves as human beings.”

As artists, every day we are picking up the pieces in our lives and weaving together our own master plan for success. Every day we get to the page, the easel or the studio we’re successful because we’ve shown up to do the necessary work.

Success is being who you are and doing what you love your way. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

Are you where you want to be? Are you focused on what matters most? Let me know in the comments section below.

5 Rules to Live By

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As a kid, I hated rules. That’s because rules weren’t fun. They were meant to mould my behaviour and, perhaps unknowingly, stifle my creativity.

Rule: I had to eat everything on my plate before I left the table (that was hard, especially on the nights my father served burnt, chewy liver for dinner).

Rule: I couldn’t stay out late on a school night.

Rule: As long as I lived in my parents’ house, I’d do as they say.

Rules sucked. Big time.

Breaking the Rules

It probably comes as no surprise that, growing up, I was a rule breaker. Tell me I couldn’t do something, and I’d set out to prove that I could. Tell me I had to do something one way, I’d do it a different way and achieve the same result. ‘Rebelling’ was second-nature to me. In a way, it led me down the path to becoming who I am today.

Breaking the rules taught me a valuable lesson: that I had what it takes to be who I am, and not who others wish me to be. It came with a ‘price’ in that the people who wanted me to remain the same — friends and family alike — eventually slipped out of my life. To be honest, for a time that bothered me. But only until I understood that being my truest self is the greatest gift I could give to myself and the world. Marianne Williamson says it best:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” [note] Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles,” 1992[/note]

 

Not being small meant doing the thing that I love the most: writing. As I gave myself over to it, there was a mega shift in how I looked at rules. I saw their potential, how they could help me create the life I wanted.

From Rule Breaker to Rule Setter

When I first knew I wanted to be a writer, my goal (naïve as it was then) was to sign on with a well-known publishing company like HarperCollins or Penguin, or a literary agency. Self-publishing and being an indie author like we know them today didn’t exist. The one thing an emerging writer like myself wanted to avoid was being swindled by a vanity press.

Since then, the publishing industry has been completely turned on its head. Now, it’s easy and affordable for writers to publish their own works through Amazon’s Kindle Direct Publishing (KDP) and other platforms. The competition is fierce, which makes it hard to get your book to stand out in a crowded marketplace.

But when you do what you love, you don’t throw in the towel when the rejection letters start piling up. You don’t give up, either, when your first book flops (as mine did). You try, try, and try again because this is the thing that you must do. It’s the reason you’re here on earth. It’s your calling. And you must heed the call.

I write for the love of writing, to tell a story, to [I hope] offer a unique view of the world. And even though most days the idea of ambition and being successful makes me squeamish — almost like I don’t feel I deserve it — my aim is to write full-time. It’s why I show up every day to write. My dream won’t come true without me putting in the time and doing the necessary work.

Working to build a writing career around a day job, familial responsibilities and life in general, it’s pretty easy for me to get distracted. To stave off distraction — procrastination, resistance, self-doubt, etc. — I needed rules to get me through each day. When I became a self-published author, and responsible for marketing and promoting my book, rules became even more important. I had to find balance, especially when dealing with social media, which permeates all aspects of our lives.

Yes, I needed rules to stay focused and increase my productivity as I worked to achieve my goals. For me, it all comes down to this:

5 Rules to Live By

    1. Get up early: I’ve always been a morning person, but for over a year now I’ve been getting up around 4:30 am to jumpstart the day. That quiet time of day is when I do some of my most focused work without distraction. And by the time noon rolls around, I’ve checked off quite a few items on my to-do list.
    2. Do the most important thing first: Most days I succeed in tackling the most important task on my to-do list first. Usually, this is the project that requires the most focus and effort. Doing it first thing in the morning when I’m at my best makes the work feel ‘effortless.’
    3. Eliminate distractions: For the longest time, I tried to eliminate distractions on my own. You know, power down the phone and hide it somewhere out of sight. Close the internet navigator. Turn off the TV. Yet I often found myself saying, “Oh, I’ll just quickly check my e-mail.” Two hours later, I’ve not only checked my e-mail, but I’ve also squandered away time on Twitter, Facebook and CNN.

      About three years ago, I discovered StayFocusd, a Google Chrome extension that blocks the internet. And earlier this year I started using Freedom, which blocks the use of all apps on my iPhone. Together, StayFocusd and Freedom have decreased the time I waste online (procrastination) and significantly increased my productivity. I’m writing more. I’m finishing more projects. I feel like I’m actually moving forward.
    4. Manage social media engagement: I think I’ll always have a love-hate relationship with social media. I love it because of how I can connect with writers and readers from all over the world. I feel like I’m a part of a vibrant, supportive and encouraging community. I hate social media because it can suck you in and, before you know it, half the day is gone. (That’s another reason why I use StayFocusd and Freedom.)

      Apps like Freedom can only do so much. At some point, I had to practice self-control and self-discipline. And that meant learning to be purposeful in my use of social media. With Facebook, for example, I aim to post three or four times a week. Some may say that’s not enough, but it works for me and I don’t feel pressured to produce content that no one’s going to pay attention to.

      Twitter is my pandora’s box. I had to find a way to not let it overwhelm. So, about six weeks ago I made two important decisions that would impact my use of Twitter. 1. I’d only check in (reply to or like tweets) on Wednesdays and Fridays (days were chosen arbitrarily); and 2. I’d no longer check Direct Messages (DMs). These two decisions have helped me to reclaim my day, allowing me to focus on what really matters.
    5. Take care of yourself: As a child, I didn’t have an iPhone or xBox, and I wasn’t racing around the city playing Pokémon Go. (We had Atari and the Commodore 64 … do you remember those?) So, on sunny days I was always outside playing. In my late teens and my twenties, especially as a university student, I was a nerd and loved to be inside reading and writing.

      In 2008, I stepped on a scale (for the first time in over five years because I had the Blanche Devereaux mindset that my weight of 175 pounds never changed) to see the needle move past the 200-pound mark. I was devastated. It was the middle of February, -25°C, and in the cold of the night I decided to start running. Not knowing how to dress for a winter run, I ended up sick as a dog for two weeks.

      But that day changed my life. Not only did those unwanted pounds fall away in the weeks that followed, but running became a habit, one that’s held strong for ten years now. Best of all, running got me out of the house and living a more active life.

      And more recently, I’ve stopped drinking, reduced my sugar and salt intake, and in addition to running I’m also working out regularly (thanks to the Nike Training App). I have more energy, feel a lot better about myself and am enjoying all that life has to offer. I love running because it helps to clear my head, zone out … become one with myself. It’s also the time when I have my ‘Conversations with Oprah.’ In the zone, I can hear Ms. Winfrey asking those big life questions to one of her guests on Super Soul Sunday. Only I’m the guest, and when I hear myself give the answer there’s clarity — about how to move a story forward, or how to deal with a situation that I’ve been struggling with. I always come back from a run enlightened and energized, ready to take my game to the next level.

      We mustn’t neglect ourselves. We are our most valuable resource. When we take care of our body, mind and spirit, we are ready for whatever comes our way. And we know that there is nothing we can’t do.

Be Who You Are

These are my rules. They work for me as I strive to create the life I imagine — to let loose the truest, ultimate expression of who I am. I can’t afford to break them. Breaking the rules creates havoc and puts everything I’ve worked hard to achieve at risk.

As I continue to evolve, the rules may change or need to be tweaked.

But for now … I’ll keep playing by the rules.

Do you have any rules you live by? How do you stay focused? What is the one thing that is holding you back? What is the one thing you can change to allow yourself to move forward? Let me know in the comments section below.

Never Give Up

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Every day I write. In the morning. In the afternoon. Sometimes in the evening.

It’s not a choice for me.

It’s a calling. And when I stopped running away from myself, I heeded the call.

You see, when my pen touches the page, that’s when I feel grounded, centred … at one with myself and the world.

Writing is the truest expression of who I am.

The ‘Why’

I don’t write with the aim of becoming a New York Times bestselling author or hoping to win the Man Booker International Prize. Sure, those things could happen, but that’s not what keeps me in the game.

Writing is about witnessing the world around me, taking a snapshot of a moment in time — and trying to make sense of it all. Writing lets me tell a story through a different lens, from the experiences that have shaped my life and helped me to become who I am. Writing frees me from the hate, intolerance and misunderstandings plaguing our world today. Writing is a golden opportunity to showcase the beauty that is this world and the great things we’ve done — and can still do — when we come together in spite of our differences.

That’s why I must write … every day. When I don’t write, I’m irritable, grumpy and feel like I’ve lost my footing. That’s how I often felt on days when I went without coffee (before I gave up caffeine).

Like I said, it’s not a choice for me. If it were, I would have abandoned writing when my novel, Freestyle Love, flopped in 2011. But I kept writing and, not letting self-doubt get the better of me, self-published The Flowers Need Watering in 2017. I could have given up after receiving countless rejections from various literary journals and publishers. Instead, I kept writing, honing my skills and opted to share my stories online through Twitter Fiction Tuesdays (#TwitFicTues) and my Fiction Friday series.

Yes, I kept writing for the love of the work, to see it through to completion, to — in some small way — be of service.

Never Give Up

Despite my passion, despite my commitment, there are still days when I ask myself: What’s the point? Am I on the right path? Is anyone paying attention? So, I take a moment to remind myself of what Steven Pressfield says in, Do the Work!: “Resistance is a repelling force. It’s negative. Its aim is to shove us away, distract us, prevent us from doing our work.”[note]Steven Pressfield, Do the Work!, Do You Zoom, Inc., 2011.[/note]

That’s when I buckle down and focus. Resistance won’t have dominion over me.

When we write, paint, compose — create — for the love of it, I feel like that’s the moment when providence moves. The stars align and our creative world comes into focus. We know exactly where we are, where we want to go, and what we need to do to get there.

When we show up each day for the love of the work, we know we have the necessary courage and faith to do whatever it takes to make our dreams come true.

That’s why we’ll never give up.

Take a Deep Breath

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Throughout this long writing journey, I’ve had one steady companion: Doubt.

Doubt tells me I’ll never succeed. That I’m wasting my time. That I’m an amateur and that I’ll never be anything more than that. Some days, Doubt almost has me convinced that all of these things are true. That’s when I know Doubt has power over me and I’m the one feeding it.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been in a ‘funk’ that I’ve been struggling to shake off. There are peaks and valleys in life, right? Well, I’ve been stuck way, way down in one. And that wouldn’t be so bad if it were like Pine Valley and I was living the glamorous life of Erica Kane. But it’s been something altogether different. It’s kept me on edge, left me battling procrastination and, to a certain degree, not giving a f*ck about much.

It’s that last one … that’s when I knew something was off.

And it was this: I’d let Doubt bully me, then seduce me away from the work I’m most passionate about. Writing.

So, during my recent staycation, I brought the war to Doubt’s front door by setting up and following a routine. I started each day, like I always do, with my Morning Pages. After that, I either went for a run or worked out using the Nike Training App. Then I stuck to a schedule that had me working — and making progress — on various writing projects.

Writing shields me from Doubt’s strangling grip.

Writing reminds me of my worth.

Writing takes away my fears.

And Doubt coupled with fear is a deadly combination. Lately, I’ve been consumed by fear. I’m afraid that, maybe, Steven Pressfield is right, and Nobody Wants to Read Your Sh*t. Afraid that the revised version of Freestyle Love, that I’m hoping to rerelease this year, will be a flop like the first. Afraid that I’m not on the right path.

Then something strange happened, something that I’ve never experienced before (or at least I’d never been conscious of because of my on-again-off-again relationship with God).

On the day I returned to work earlier in the month, I sat down to write my Morning Pages. Before beginning, I asked (or maybe it was more of a prayer) this question: What do I do next? My hand sped across the page, capturing the words as the Universe/God/Life spoke directly to me.

This is what I heard:

Accept Your Situation

Accept where you are and make the best of it. As much as you may be tempted, don’t ‘abandon ship’ (i.e., quit the day job). You need a roof over your head and food on the table. That’s the way life works. But you can, outside of the pesky day job, work on what you’re most passionate about. That means being present where you are. This is your moment in life, so enjoy it. Stop trying to run towards some uncertain future. Today, you can finish the rewrite. Today, you can start a new story. Today, you can cherish the people in your life who support and encourage you.

Procrastination isn’t the ‘Devil’

If you want to procrastinate, fine, just accept it. It’s okay not to want to work sometimes.

Getting Past Discouragement

When you feel discouraged, like you want to give up, write something. Not with the expectation of glory — of being published or revered. Write to soothe your soul, to clear out the inner critic from inside your head. Write to remind yourself of who you are and why you do what you do. Remember, life is a journey. Each day presents opportunities to grow as a person and as a writer. The question is this: Are you paying attention?

So, Pay Attention

Pay attention to how you spend your time. Do you really need to watch The Bourne Identity again? Really, you could play Jason Bourne because you can recite all the lines from beginning to end. In the ninety minutes it’d take to watch it, you could write a blog post or edit that short story that’s been sitting on the corner of your desk for months. Have you counted how many times a day you check your Twitter feed or KDP reports? Add that up over the past six months and you could have had plenty of time to visit the AGO like you talked about. Have you thought about asking for help with some of the household chores? Maybe you’d feel less tired or like you never have enough time in the day to get everything done. Don’t give up the cooking, though. You make delicious meals from scratch — Bolognese, cinnamon buns, gnocchi, apple pie. It’s another form of creativity in your life that keeps you healthy and on your game.

Pay attention to the people who come into your life. Some people you meet will love and support you unconditionally. When you need space to write or sprint to the end of a long rewrite, they’ll understand when you ‘disappear.’ And when you reappear, they’ll be the first to ask, “How did it go? Great! Now, let’s go to dinner to celebrate.” Others will try to take advantage of you. They’ll want to take your time, energy and focus for their own needs without giving anything in return. By the time you realize it, you’ll be frustrated and resentful, and what suffers is your creativity and peace of mind. You must be able to see quickly who’s there for you and who’s there simply to ride in your shadow. Dump the latter fast! You don’t need any other distractions.

Keep Reading

Reading is a great way to expand your mind, delve into worlds that are foreign to you, and discover other exciting authors.

Don’t Forget to Rest

You want to get your next book out. Good. You’re excited about it. Good. You’ve spent so many years working on it that you can’t wait to share it with the world. Good. But you’re often running yourself ragged. You work until your body says, “No more,” and then you’re out of commission anywhere from four days to two weeks. During that time, everything suffers, or slows down, because your body needs rest that you’ve deprived it of. Pace yourself. Better yet, take a break and let loose your inner child. There’s nothing wrong with taking a day off. It lets you step away from your current work-in-progress, especially if you arrive at a point where you’re not sure how to move it forward. Forget about it. Do something else that you love. Go see Black Panther or Laura Croft: Tomb Raider. Check out that bakery in Little Italy everyone’s talking about. Have fun. Then, when you go back to the writing, you’ll have a fresh perspective and see things differently.

Love Yourself

The journey you’re on is not for the faint of heart. You’ve experienced success and failure … lots of failures. But you don’t let that faze you. You try, try and try again. That’s because you love yourself and the path you’re on. Sometimes, in the hustle and bustle of life, we forget to treat ourselves. Loving yourself means that sometimes (maybe more often than you’d think) you must put yourself first. It’s okay to decline invitations to guest post on someone else’s blog or help a friend move. It’s okay to take a weekend for yourself and not visit your in-laws. It’s okay to say, “No,” when what’s being asked of you is not true to who you are. That doesn’t mean you’re not a nice person. It means that, by living with intention, you’re loving yourself. Remember Polonius’s advice to his son in Hamlet: “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”

Never Give Up

You’ve come so far on this journey to let Doubt scare you away. The best thing you can do is to just show up daily and write. One hundred words. Five hundred words. Two thousand words. It doesn’t matter. It’s all progress. And that shows your commitment to your craft, and your dedication to learning and growing. Don’t look to see who’s ahead of you or who’s behind you. Don’t worry about what other people think. What you create isn’t going to be for everyone, and that’s okay. Write for your one true fan who cheers you on to the end.

Focus on you and creating the life you imagine.

You’re on your way. Take a deep breath and carry on.