Marcus Lopés

LGTBQIA2S+ Author, Blogger, Runner

self-acceptance

Do What You Love

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If there is one thing in this life that we must do, it is this: Do What You Love!

Do What You Love is not just a trite adage. When used as a powerful guiding principle, it can transform your life. I know.

The Backstory

I spent a good chunk of my adult life running away from what I love, from who I am. I did what I was ‘supposed’ to do. I went to university, earned a degree and then found a job. I didn’t exactly work in my field of study, which was French Literature. But living in Ottawa, the nation’s capital, being bilingual made the search for decent work easier.

I worked in what was, for me, the grizzly world of nine to five. Policy Analyst. Executive Assistant. Proofreader. Program Coordinator. Project Administrator (Consultant). No matter how fancy the title or good the pay, boredom quickly set in. I never adjusted well (and I don’t think I have yet) to doing the same tasks over and over again, in a tiny cubicle, with the same people. It didn’t inspire.

Maybe, too, I didn’t subscribe to the idea of the Canadian dream — owning a nice house, having lots of money, fame and recognition. I believed, and still do, that we should hard work, be determined and live a happy and fulfilled life. So, whenever the nine-to-five world became too ‘restrictive,’ I saw a simple cure: Change jobs. I did. Frequently. But it was never long before the excitement of the new job and work environment waned. Then I’d reach the point of loathing the work and taking regular ‘mental health’ days.

Diagnosing the Problem

A story of love, loss and obsession that will leave you wondering if there’s such a thing as second chances. Available on Amazon.

The problem was simple. When it came to Do What You Love, I was failing miserably. Well, I was and I wasn’t.

I’m a writer. It’s what drives me, gives me a reason to get out of bed. I’m always excited to begin each day by setting pen to the page as I write my Morning Pages. I really can’t remember a time when I wasn’t writing. But for a long time, I let myself be shamed out of writing. People — family, friends, colleagues — told me I’d never make it as a writer. That all artists were drug and/or alcohol addicts. Have it as a hobby on the side. Get a real job.

When I kept writing on the side and got a ‘real job,’ I was mis-er-able. Looking back at the three most difficult times in my life — when I was actually clinically depressed and on medication — I was barely writing. I was doubting my work, doubting my talent, doubting my dreams. I’d lost sight of what mattered … and that had to change.

The Transformation

In 2003, I stopped being ashamed of my writing dreams. I started to submit my work, and it was published. I made time for writing — before my soporific day job, during my lunch hour and before bed. Jobs came and went, but my writing held steady. That was when I noticed the shift. Making my writing a priority, I wasn’t miserable. The good days were like being on the open water when it’s smooth sailing, the winds are calm, and your destination is clearly in your sights. And on the bad days — when the tempest roared, and it felt like I had to fight for my very survival — writing took the pain away.

I still have a day job, but it’s not nine to five. Do I love what I do as much as writing? Absolutely not. But I’ve found a way to ‘love’ it because it lets me do what I love. Write. If I’d been in any other job over the past five and a half years, it would have taken a lot longer to have my books published.

Do What You Love + Courage = Hope

Maybe you want to be the mayor of your city, found a non-profit that focuses on creativity for adolescents with mental health issues, open your own B&B… Whatever your dream, doing it takes courage. Taking that first step in the direction of your dream — despite the odds or what others say — gives you hope. Hope for today. Hope for tomorrow. Hope for the life you’ve always dreamed of living.

Let’s make the choice to walk through life with our eyes wide open, with our hearts tuned to what makes them tick.

Are you doing what you love? Click Reply and let me know. I’d love to hear from you!

The Story Behind the Story

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I didn’t always want to be a writer.

Actually, that’s not true. I didn’t always know that I wanted to be a writer. Growing up in a fairly religious household (staunch is, perhaps, the more apt word) and possessing a natural talent for the piano, I was encouraged to use my gift for the ‘Glory of God.’ So, I did … use my ‘gift,’ and spent my childhood and adolescence playing in church. And much to the dismay of the church elders! When I sat down at the piano, I could almost hear their moans and groans of disapproval before my fingers touched the keys. I had a penchant for doing the unthinkable: rearranging classic hymns like ‘How Great Thou Art,’ ‘Amazing Grace’ or ‘There’s Power in the Blood.’ I was doing something that — to my parents’ chagrin — came naturally to me. I was breaking the rules.

Although music dominated my formative years, I was a closeted writer. I wrote stories in notebooks and journals, which I hid under my bed. Returning to Canada after studying for eight months in Nice, France, that was when I realized writing — more than music — was my passion. And I gave myself over to it.

I quickly discovered that writing is a messy affair and that the road to success is paved with many obstacles (and rejection letters) along the way. But I wouldn’t be dissuaded. Despite how daunting the writing life could be, I knew it was my calling. And I had to heed the call.

So, I wasn’t surprised when, in the early part of 2005, I sat down and wrote a story about rules that mirrored my own life. My late teens to early twenties were turbulent years, and I needed rules to govern my daily life and to ground me. Those rules were … unbreakable. And that story, published in September 2005 and entitled, “Malachi and Cole,” later became my first published novel, Freestyle Love.

When Freestyle Love hit the electronic bookstores in 2011, I hoped for a bestseller. That didn’t happen. And that disappointed. I thought I’d written a good book. After all, I’d worked hard on the manuscript — editing, reediting and editing some more. The publisher told me they loved the story and asked for very few changes. The reviews — some good, some (many) not so good — had me doubting my talent as a writer. The book limped to a slow death, and was pulled from online when the rights reverted back to me five years later.

During those five years I kept writing, working to hone my skills. I read books on writing to find anything of value to help me become a better writer. I had also written another novel, and began researching what it would take to self-publish. So, I decided to go the self-publishing route with The Flowers Need Watering, which is available on Amazon.

I learned a hard lesson with Freestyle Love, one that I wouldn’t repeat with The Flowers Need Watering: the importance of a professional editor. In reviewing the manuscript for The Flowers Need Watering, my editor hit on all the big-ticket items — character and plot development, structure, continuity, story arc, theme development, repetition and plot holes. He didn’t only point out what wasn’t working, but also what worked well. Through that process I realized something else. Maybe Freestyle Love, despite what I thought at the time, wasn’t my best effort. Now I knew I could do better. So, I decided to try.

Taking it to the Next Level

Everything He Thought He Knew is a complete rewrite of Freestyle Love that has been through two rounds of vigorous editing by Dave Taylor of thEditors.com. I am eternally grateful for his insights and wisdom.

Throughout my writing journey, I’ve often felt ‘caught’ (Caught was the original title of Freestyle Love before publication) between the life expected of me and the one I imagined. Malachi Bishop and Cole Malcolm may or may not be caught by something more sinister: the idea of true love and its sure path. Malachi, a writer and professor of creative writing, is a rigid — even awful — man paralyzed by a long-held grief knotted around his heart. He is, perhaps, not the most likeable protagonist, but it’s my sincere hope that he is a real one. Cole, a successful management consultant, is older and unafraid of the things that love is all about. Everything He Thought He Knew tells a story of two men caught by love and betrayed by it. It is a journey of self-discovery that forces Malachi and Cole to confront their present and their past, bringing into question the larger fantasies of home and their place in the world.

Everything He Thought He Knew doesn’t guarantee the normative happily ever after ending of the romance genre. My hope is that it transcends it.

Available on October 10, 2018, you can read the first chapter or pre-order your copy of Everything He Thought He Knew here.

Roll with the Punches

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Sometimes in life there are things beyond your control. You have to learn to roll with the punches. And that’s not always easy.

Out for an early run this morning (29 August 2018), and taking a moment to enjoy the fantastic view of Toronto.

I know. I’m in a kind of precarious situation at the moment when it comes to my health. I’ve been in my doctor’s office three times since 6 August — first to discuss the symptoms that presented, then to follow up on each round of testing and decide the next course of action. There’s still no ‘clear’ indication of what’s happening or why. So, I wait. Wait for the next test, scheduled for next week, and then I’ll wait for those results. Waiting is the worst because, when I’m stuck inside my head, I imagine the worst of all scenarios. What if it’s this? What if it’s that? How will I react to whatever it is? Because maybe, after all is said and done, it’ll be nothing.

Still, I want to know what I’m dealing with, no matter what it is. The first diagnosis and course of treatment seemed to ‘solve’ one issue, then unearth another. What I love about technology is how it’s made accessing my healthcare reports easier. Through the Patient Portal, I can see when my results come in and my doctor’s instructions, like File or Contact Patient. I made the mistake on the weekend of checking to see if the latest round of test results were in. They were, but my doctor was on vacation, so I didn’t know if there was an ‘urgency’ — like the last time — for us to discuss them.

Returning from my doctor’s appointment yesterday, I know that it’s all beyond my control. Knowing that doesn’t stop me from brooding over what’s happening. I try to stay focused, but I know my productivity has taken a hit. Despite everything that’s happening, I’m trying to roll with the punches … take it all day by day.

But there’s a lesson in every situation. My takeaway is this: be sure that, wherever we are on our life journey, that we’re doing what we love. Now is the time to do it, because if we keep putting it off, we’ll never achieve the thing we feel we must do. We’ll never — and I love how Oprah Winfrey puts it — “[…] fulfill the highest, truest expression of ourselves as human beings.”[note]Oprah Winfrey, The Wisdom of Sundays, Flatiron Books, 2017, p. 8.[/note]

Now is the Time

Yes, now is the time, if you haven’t already, to strike out. Don’t wait until tomorrow to start training for that half-marathon. Don’t wait until you retire to write the book you’ve always felt was within you. Don’t wait until the beginning of the month to start that diet you’ve been talking about since 2016. Whatever you want to do, whatever you feel you can do … begin it. Now.

Let me give you an example of what can happen if you decide to wait. My father worked hard to provide for his family. It wasn’t until I was an adult, living on my own, that I understood the cost of raising a family, of living in this world (and that money didn’t grow on trees). We weren’t rich, we weren’t poor, but we never wanted for anything. We had the opportunity to travel — not extensively or luxuriously — but enough to not feel sheltered or uncultured. My father loved to travel and play golf. As his retirement neared, he said that travelling and playing golf would fill his days. A year and a half into his retirement (he was fifty-five when he retired), he was diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer and given about six months to live. He fought, fought hard to live … to travel, play golf, and do what he loved. My father passed away at age fifty-eight, eighteen months after his diagnosis.

Strike Out Now

Yes, strike out now … just because you can, and that can yield fantastic results. Let me give you an example. At the beginning of 2018, I didn’t make any resolutions. I haven’t done that for over a decade. On 1 January, I woke up sick — sore throat, nasal congestion, and upset stomach. The cold lasted for about two weeks. Tired, feeling crappy and unusually irritable, I decided on 17 January that I was done with alcohol. No more drinking (I didn’t drink much, anyway). No more cooking with alcohol. My goal was to quit cold turkey. And I’ve been sober for more than 223 days. Together with running and paying closer attention to what I eat, I’ve lost twenty pounds. My energy level is up. I’m sleeping better. But I didn’t wait for the beginning of the next week or month to go sober. I started that day, a Wednesday, and didn’t look back.

Yes, I can’t stress it enough. Now is the time to begin. Do it. Now!

Letting Go of Perfection

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Earlier this month, I celebrated my 45th birthday. No fanfare. No outlandish party. No extravagant presents. Just a quiet day that started like most with a run, and then time writing and editing. It ended like most days, too, with a home-cooked meal and a relaxing evening at home. Perfection!

As perfect as it was, it got me thinking … am I too much of a perfectionist? The expectations I’ve set for myself — in almost everything I do — are high. Unbelievably so. And when I fail … Lord, have mercy, you don’t want to be in my sights. Because I’m angry at myself for missing the mark, and that doesn’t make me nice to be around.

Is Imperfection All the Rage?

For some reason, I’ve come across lately a lot of writing on the idea of giving yourself over to imperfection. (Is that life speaking to me and am I willing to listen?) The concept is simple: that being imperfect can help you achieve your goals more than being perfect. James Clear explores this idea in his article, “Why Trying to Be Perfect Won’t Help You Achieve Your Goals (And What Will),” as does Ray Dalio in his book, Principles.

Letting go of my need to be perfect all the time sounds great in theory. Translating it into action is something else altogether. I get the point so many are trying to make. When we show up to practice our craft, the repetition of the habit will help us to hone our skills, learn from our mistakes and become better at what we do. That’s why I write every day. But sometimes we spend so much time trying to perfect one thing that we ‘stall.’ We really don’t move forward. As a writer, I don’t want to spend my life trying to write one perfect book when I could, hopefully, write many. And then my goal would be to make each book better than the one that came before it.

Here’s where I struggle with being imperfect. As a self-published writer, the idea of imperfection doesn’t sit well with me. I’m not naïve. My writing won’t appeal to everyone. And as artists, no matter how good we think something we created is, haters are still gonna hate. But in an already crowded and competitive field, my books are my brand. If I want to build an audience and a solid fan base, I know my books need to be ‘perfect.’ That’s why I’ve learned the importance of hiring a professional editor, proofreader, book cover designer, and formatter. Who wants to read something that comes across as a first draft that’s riddled with spelling and grammatical errors? Or where there are problems with character and plot development, continuity or story arc? So, as an indie author I do — unapologetically — aim for perfection.

Saturday morning run (21k). On track to achieve my goal of running 200k in August. 24k to go!

But in other areas of my life, I am trying to let go of my need for perfection. Like running. There are days when I can run 10k at a pace of 5:02 per kilometre. Other days, it feels like a struggle and my pace, at 5:28 per kilometre, isn’t anything to brag about. I remind myself that it’s not a competition, which isn’t always easy when other runners speed past me on the trail. But I’ve shown up again, remaining committed to living a healthy and active life. In my interactions with my work colleagues, I’m relearning not to expect from others what I expect from myself. It’s not fair. I remind myself of the old saying I heard so often during my youth: “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.”

Lesson Learned

The biggest lesson that’s come out of this idea of not being perfect is this: I’ve accepted that it’s okay for me to not be able to do everything I set out to do well. There are areas in my life when I excel (strengths) and others where I don’t (weaknesses). I’ve learned — and am still learning — that it’s okay to ask for help. Asking for help doesn’t mean I’m weak. It means that there are people who have the skills to do well the things I’m not so good at. Why not ask for their help? No doubt, I’ll save myself a lot of time and frustration.

Letting go of perfection is a struggle because it means recognizing my limits, which can be extremely uncomfortable. It’s a journey that I’m taking day by day. It’s also about accepting who I am, as I am, imperfections and all.

As we navigate through life, doing what we love or are called to do, the most important thing we can do is be ourselves. And, to me, that looks like perfect imperfection.

Are you a perfectionist? Or are you striving for imperfection? Do you believe being imperfect could help you achieve your goals? Let me know in the comments section below.

Slow and Steady

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Out for a morning run, I stopped to take in the spectacular view of Toronto.

Slow and steady … that’s how I managed to run 15 kilometres this morning. There were times during the run when it hurt, when I felt like I wanted to give up. But I knew if I kept my pace slow and steady that I could go the distance.

For the past few months, I’ve been thinking about my life — where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m still looking to go. Maybe that’s what you do when the years tick by and, as my 45th birthday looms, the end seems closer than the beginning. But there have been many times throughout my life where I’ve taken time to stop and reflect, to figure out what exactly I’m doing and if I’m on track.

Know What is True

I am a writer. That is true. I know that because every day I write no matter where I find myself in the world — London, Copenhagen or at home in Toronto. Writing is what grounds me, gives me a sense of purpose in what sometimes feels like a chaotic world. And some days are a struggle.

A struggle, yes, because I’m really not sure how to define success when it comes to my writing. It’s hard for me to visualize what that success looks like. Is success about becoming a New York Times bestselling author? Is success hitting a target of, say, selling 80,000 copies of my books? (Can you tell I recently read How I Sold 80,000 Books by Alinka Rutkowska?) Is success about me making enough money from my writing to commit to it full-time?

Maybe it’s all those things and more. Or less.

What is true, then, is that I’m a little lost in the wilderness. And that’s okay. It’s why, now, I’m taking life slow and steady so that I can, as Ray Dalio advises, “Think for yourself to decide 1) what you want, 2) what is true, and 3) what you should do to achieve #1 in light of #2 … and do that with humility and open-mindedness so that you can consider the best thinking available to you.” [note]Ray Dalio, Principles, Simon & Schuster, 2017, p. X.[/note]

Getting at the Core of Things

For the past week, I’ve taken time daily to reflect on my journey so far, and to grapple with the idea that a principle-based life will help me figure out what I want and how to go about getting it. Subliminally, certain principles have always governed my life — be true to yourself, focus on what matters, think independently, don’t follow the crowd, etc. But now I want to dig deeper as I’m really thinking about what I want my life to represent.

The first thing I had to do was look at the reality before me and find a way to deal with it.[note]For me, perhaps the hardest principle I’m struggling with from Ray Dalio’s book is “Embrace Reality and Deal with It,” Principles, Simon & Schuster, 2017, p. 132.[/note] The reality before me is this: I feel stuck in a job that I’m not passionate about, but it gives me 13 days off a month. On the surface, that looks pretty good, having so much time off. But the demands of the job leave me exhausted, disrupt my sleep patterns, make me more prone to illness and, consequently, impact my productivity when it comes to writing. That’s also part of the reality.

So, the puzzle I’m currently trying to solve is how to live fully in this reality and create an acceptable balance. Writing each day moves me in the direction of my dreams. Remaining positive about what I can do — and not letting myself be overwhelmed or disappointed by the things that are beyond my control — help to keep it all in perspective. I’m doing what I can, with the time that I have, to do what I want and stay focused on what matters most. And again, taking it slow and steady, I know I’ll reach the final destination.

Push Your Limits

Taking time to think about the principles in my life is uncomfortable because it’s forcing me to see both my weaknesses and my strengths. It’s forcing me to admit where I’ve made mistakes and how to avoid making them again in the future. It’s forcing me to see the world — and my life — not as I believe it “should” be but how it really is.

Like I pushed myself this morning to keep running, I’m pushing myself in life to grow, to be stronger … to be a better version of myself. I know this process won’t be easy, and some days it’s going to make me squirm, but I’ll keep pushing forward. I know it’s the only way for me to be successful and to get out of life all that I want. And whether I succeed or fail, I know the journey will teach me more about who I am and what I really want.

Where are you now on your journey? What’s working for you and what’s holding you back? Let me know in the comments section below.