Marcus Lopés

Author

Writing Life

Clean Slate

by 2 Comments

To January I say this: Good riddance!

I spent twenty-one out of thirty-one days sick, feeling absolutely crappy. No, I was miserable. Coupled with that miserableness was a strange malaise that sent me spiralling out of control. I didn’t understand that it was life speaking to me. And worst of all, I wasn’t listening. I was tone-deaf, trying to plough my way through life as if everything was cool and under control.

When I started to feel better, the anxiousness and restlessness began to ebb. But they didn’t go away completely. Now, at the beginning of February, I’m still dealing with their residual effects: figuring out exactly where it is I belong.

Focus on the Day-to-Day

It’s an odd feeling. Actually, it’s terrifying. To have arrived at a place in life where I’m doing what I feel compelled to do (write) and still feel like something is missing. You see, when I sit down to write — whether I’m at home, in a coffee shop, or globetrotting around the world (mostly London these days) — writing takes the edge off, peels away the doubt.

So while all this ‘uncertainty’ abounds, I’m focusing on the day-to-day. I’m relying on routine to keep me grounded. I’m going back to basics.

Make the Best of the Morning. I’m a morning person, and that’s when I feel the most creative. I’m slowly getting back into the routine of waking up between 4:00 and 5:00 am. Once my Morning Pages are done, I focus on my most important projects.

Keep Distractions to a Minimum. For a long time, I used to write with the TV on in the background. I thought I could still have productive writing sessions even with the volume on low. Yet when it came time to edit something I’d written with the TV on, the writing never stood up as well as a piece completed with the TV off. Now the TV is off, Outlook is closed, and I keep my cell phone in the kitchen (away from my writing desk).

Unplugging. I think this is the hardest one of all because of how much social media is integrated into daily life. And it’s a valuable tool and resource for writers and artists alike. Still, every day I struggle with social media because it easily overwhelms me. When I roll out of bed, I stop in the kitchen to pick up my phone on the way to the bathroom to check e-mail. It’s a hard habit to break, but I’m working on it. My ‘new’ goal is to check e-mail and social media sites after completing my morning work session. This isn’t just about when and how often I use social media, but also about how I’m using it. I want my use of social media to be purposeful and to not simply be a means of distraction. To that end, I’m back using the Chrome extension, StayFocusd, to help boost my productivity.

My visit to Kensington Palace on 29 January 2018.

Let Myself Play. Something I’ve always struggled with is the idea of rest and play. Because of my day job, I have myself convinced that I must spend all my free time on my days off building my writing career. In this face-paced and chaotic world, it’s easy to forget that life is rich with all its beauty and with so many things to discover. Writing is very important to me, to my life, and each day I write I am inching closer to realizing my dreams. But life isn’t, and shouldn’t be, all about writing.

When I take time to rest and play, I’m able to learn about Kensington Palace’s rich history, as I did during my recent stay in London. I read books that challenge my way of thinking or simply for pleasure; the latter allows me to discover new authors. Recent great reads include: The Wisdom of Sundays by Oprah Winfrey, The Sober Entrepreneur by Russ Perry, Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov and Sam by Luke Harris. When I open myself up to other experiences, when I let myself do other activities, I am gathering material for my creative stores.

Stay Active. Getting older, maintaining an active and healthy lifestyle has become extremely important to me. That’s why I recently gave up alcohol. Now, when people learn I stopped drinking to focus on my health — and not because of addiction issues — they look at me as if I have two heads. I saw how just two glasses of wine affected my energy level the next day, making me sluggish. Already struggling with being distracted and watching my productivity plummet, I didn’t need alcohol compounding that further.

I try to get a minimum of two runs in each week because, out on the trail I can, as the saying goes, “Let go, let God.” I know that running alone won’t help me achieve the lean fit I’m aiming for, but I’ve never liked going to a gym or working with weights. Last night, reading the February issue of GQ, I couldn’t help but read Benjy Hansen-Bundy’s article, “Can I Avoid People and Become Incredibly Fit?” (As an introvert, there was no way I was skipping it.) Hansen-Bundy mentions the Nike Training Club app, which he describes as “a personal trainer without the over-enthusiastic small talk.” Intrigued, I downloaded the app and set up a workout. When I got up this morning, after doing some writing, I completed the Controlled Blast workout. Forty-five minutes long! Forty-five minutes long, and I thought I was going to die. I love how the uninspired female voice says, “Don’t give up. You’re almost done.” Meanwhile, twenty minutes in, I’m covered in sweat and flat on the floor with legs that feel like Jell-O. But I didn’t give up and made it to the end (although I may have taken one or two extra recovery periods what weren’t part of the workout).

Fulfillment

With the tumultuous January behind me, I’m focused on getting back on track. February is my clean slate, my time to be open to what life is saying, or trying to say, to me. I like how Oprah Winfrey puts it: “Everybody has a calling. Your real job in life is to figure out why you are here and get about the business of doing it.”

I think that’s why I’m ‘restless’ and asking daily: What is my purpose? Why am I here? What is trying to emerge through my life? Where do I belong?

When I show up at my day job, I know I’m not in a place of belonging. I know I’m not being the real me. And that drives the anxiety and restlessness I feel each and every day. But I also know that everything I’m feeling at the moment, everything and everyone that comes into my life right now, are necessary parts of my journey. I must be patient and listen, and the answer will come in a language I’ll understand. I will arrive at that wonderful place of belonging where I can be the best, vibrant and most alive version of myself.

In the meantime, I must focus on what matters most. That is the best way to build the life I want.

How is 2018 starting out for you? What are you struggling with? Do you need to wipe your slate clean and start again? Let me know in the comments section below.

Clean Up Your Own Backyard

by 6 Comments

That’s a song by singer-songwriter Laura Smith, from her 1994 album B’tween the Earth and My Soul. It might be a song about love and relationships, but its message carries over into life in general. Especially the title of the song, which has stayed with me since discovering Smith’s music back in the 1990s. And it’s resonating with me even more in these early days of 2018. Mostly because I’m feeling stuck and unable to really get moving. I know I have to do something. And the song captures exactly what I’m thinking: “What do you do? / You know you’ve got to do something / A lot of good stuff’s piling up / And some good stuff’s falling apart.”

It feels like I’m falling apart, so what do I do? Let me be candid: I need to clean up my own backyard.

Where I need to start isn’t as obvious as I thought. Something is happening in my life, and I’m not sure what exactly it is. A shift? A transformation? An awakening?

It’s not the usual restlessness I feel when I’ve completed a major writing project and look for the next one to begin. Nor is it the usual anxiousness I feel as I get ready to head to my day job. It’s not, either, the frustration that overwhelms as I try to jam-pack my day to be super productive and come up short.

It’s something different — foreign, that I haven’t felt before — and I think that’s what scares me the most.

This is, perhaps in the most uncomfortable way, life speaking to me. In her book, The Wisdom of Sundays, Oprah Winfrey challenges us this way: “Your life is always speaking to you. The fundamental spiritual question is: Will you listen?”

I’m listening. The answer isn’t right in front of me, and could still be galaxies away. But I’m keeping my ear tuned to the Universe and what it wants to say to me. In the meantime, this is what I’m going to do.

Change My Attitude and How I See Myself in the World

There is nothing more joyful to me than writing.

As a writer, one of the greatest challenges I face is navigating the minefield of doubt. A bad review, a 1- or 2-star rating on my book, a negative comment by a social media troll, a rejection letter — they all have the power to instantly transform how I see myself. In a word: they can make me doubt my worth — not only as a writer, but also as a person.

Changing my attitude translate this way: I must stop chasing someone else’s idea of success. Yes, I want to be a successful indie author. I want people to want to read my books and wait for each new release with baited breath. And in pursuit of ‘success,’ I’ve bought numerous books promising to show me how to corner the market, decrypt the Amazon logarithm, or how to become an Amazon bestselling author. I’ve subscribed to countless e-mail lists — usually lured in by an offer of a free book — with promises of showing me how to leverage social media to increase book sales or learning the book marketing strategies employed by bestselling authors. The e-mails especially arrive daily, or several times a day, and I find I can no longer keep up. Now I’m asking myself, what is success?

I don’t know. The success achieved by the likes of Stephen King, J.K. Rowling, Danielle Steel et. al. looks alluring. I love writing — it’s my calling — I’m just not sure, when I’m honest with myself, if that’s the level of success I’m really aiming for. Maybe it’s because, despite numerous attempts over the years, I haven’t figured out how to successfully manage my day-to-day? You know, the day job. Writing and editing. Blogging. Social media engagement. Keeping fit and staying active. Fulfilling home responsibilities and nurturing my relationship with my partner. Keeping in contact with family and friends.

It’s a challenge all creatives face. It feels like success depends so much on how well you ‘play the game.’ Maybe I’m not playing it well, or at all. But I don’t know how much more I can squeeze on my plate without ending up flat on my back from exhaustion.

My goal now is to focus on what’s within my control and not worry about what others are doing, or if they’re doing better than me. I will do the things I’m comfortable doing. I will believe in myself and never give up.

Getting Sober

I’m a social drinker. I love a nice glass of wine with dinner, or in the summer catching up with friends over beers on a patio. My day job (flight attendant) has me crossing time zones several times a week. While I handle jet lag pretty well, I noticed over the past couple of months how I’ve had a harder time falling and staying asleep. So much so that it warranted a visit to my doctor earlier this week. When melatonin stopped working, I switched to over-the-counter sleep aids; the latter left me feeling drained and zombie-like the next day. I don’t like that feeling and knew I had to do something.

Race Day back in October 2017. I’m still running at least two times a week.

Before I saw my doctor, I decided to give up alcohol. I had already significantly reduced my alcohol consumption over the previous months. When I didn’t have a drink, say, for a week, I felt I had more energy during the day and noticed an increase in my productivity. Running, too, felt easier. And you know what? I didn’t miss drinking. Like with caffeine, which I gave up in October 2016.

Yes, I’m going sober because I want — need — to improve my quality of sleep. I want to be the best at what I do, and I believe, as Russ Perry points out in The Sober Entrepreneur: Change your Family Tree, “getting rid of alcohol will help you [me] on that path.” I want to wake up every morning in control of my life and where I’m looking to go. I want to do all I can to achieve the life I want.

That means taking care of my body. That’s never been more relevant as I continue to battle a cold that’s lingered since New Year’s Day. Maybe it’s my body telling me to slow down, get back to basics and focus on what matters. I’m listening as life speaks to me. Over the years, I’ve read in numbers books and publications the story of Arianna Huffington, and how in 2007 she collapsed from exhaustion two years after founding the Huffington Post. That was the cost of her chasing society’s definition of success, and had her asking herself if that really was success? I don’t want to end up like that. Really, who does…?

Living with Intention

So what does “cleaning up your own backyard” really mean for me? It’s about intention. It is about being mindful of my thoughts and the choices I make that help shape the life I’m living. It’s why, too, I’ll continue to write about the issues that move me. I can’t worry or stress about becoming a New York Times bestselling author or landing the #1 spot in Amazon’s Kindle store. If I focus on what’s important to me and write what’s in my heart, the greatest joy comes when I receive, as I did just last week, a message from a reader that said: “Thanks for writing such a great book.” That to me is success.

Aha! I think I now know why I’m in ‘distress.’

In cleaning up my own backyard, I’m on a journey to connect with the deepest part of myself. It’s an ever-evolving journey about who I want to be and how that me can thrive in all aspects of my life. Life isn’t a race, and for me it certainly isn’t a competition. It’s about being, or becoming, the best I can be and offering that version of myself to the world. I’m not exactly where I think I belong and I keep trying — despite all the signs — to make it fit. I need to get to a place of belonging. I need to step out on faith.

Again, Oprah Winfrey sums it up best: “My goal is to live my life as a more awakened, vibrant, alive human being. My prayer is to not let any moment pass without my acknowledgement and full experience of it.”

Do you need to clean up your own backyard? Are you listening as life speaks to you? Are you moving, with confidence and power, in the direction of your dreams? Are you in your place of belonging? Let me know in the comments section below.

 

Time for a Reset

by 3 Comments

Catching a cold on New Year’s Day really bummed me out. Mostly because getting sick annoys me. The scratchy throat. The cough that feels like I’m about to, at any moment, bring up one of my lungs. Instead, it’s the clumpy, green mucus I hack up. The nasal congestion and my nose that becomes so raw from blowing it the skin peels off in my hand. The sleepless nights (because as soon as I lay down in bed, the cough that I thought had gone away reappears to keep me up all night). The lack of energy, which keeps me from writing and doing the things I love.

Oh, yes, Lord, I was sick and tired … and tired of being sick. Although it took me a few days to realize it, I ended throwing my own self-pity party. And that sent me spinning. I couldn’t really get myself moving. Not with my writing. Not with my running. Not with life in general. I felt like 2018 sucker punched me, like the joke was on me. Or I was the joke. I felt stuck, like I was moving nowhere fast.

Then something happened. Three things, actually.

The infamous cluttered coffee table of books read and to be read.

The first occurred last night after I had read a few more chapters of Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita. From our very cluttered coffee table, I picked up Oprah Winfrey’s new book, The Wisdom of Sundays. Orpah’s first words of wisdom, just before the Introduction, instantly had me changing my thinking: “All of us are seeking the same thing. We share the desire to fulfill the highest, truest expression of ourselves as human beings.” That was when I realized I was in the throes of a woeful, and silly, self-pity party. That was a powerful moment when I realized I had to change, and that meant it was time to change my attitude.

At Second Cup this morning, working on my new writing project. Today I cheated and had a regular vanilla bean latte.

The second change occurred when I got up this morning (Saturday, 13 January) and took myself to my favourite Second Cup location to write. I set to work on a new story, one I know will become a full-length novel (or novella at the least). There, holed up at my usual table in a corner of the café, my hand sped across the page (I still like to write my first drafts longhand) of my Moleskine notebook. I felt the energy, the exhilaration of beginning a new project and watching it unfold. It reminded me (and I needed reminding) of the thing I love to do most in life: write. I felt the restlessness beginning to ebb. I was finding my feet again.

In the corridor outside the gym after my run on the treadmill. Can’t wait to run outside again!

The third shift occurred this afternoon on the way back from Loblaws. Driving home, the blinding afternoon sun had me eager to get out for a run. I saw several people outside running, braving the frigid temperatures (-21°C/-6°F with the wind chill), and I desperately wanted to be one of those people. Just getting over this cold, I knew that wasn’t a good idea. But an alternate solution was open to me, and that was head to the gym in my condo building and run on the treadmill. Not my favourite way to run, but it was a way to get me completely out of this funk. So, once the groceries were away, I changed and made my way to the gym. I ran for thirty minutes, and running brought clarity. I had gotten off track. I’d forgotten that all it takes to get moving — and to keep moving — is to write. Every day. That one act keeps me sane and happy and fulfilled. It is the truest expression of myself.

Feeling Like My Old Self Again

Shellfish Manicotti. They were absolutely delicious, if I do say so myself.

The sun has set. And there is, once again, a little bounce in my step. Actually, I feel quite energized, as if I’ve had too much caffeine. (In fact, I’ve almost completely eliminated caffeine from my diet; now I drink decaf 98% of the time.) When I’m writing and running — like I did today — there is a natural ebb and flow to life. Everything old seems new again. And my creativity spills over into other spheres of my life. Like in the kitchen. Tonight, I took great liberties with Max and Eli Sussman’s Shellfish Shells (from their cookbook, Classic Recipes for Modern People), making manicotti instead. And I switched out the canned tomatoes for fresh, which I think always add more depth and flavour to the sauce.

I am once again hopeful for the days ahead. And for that I can thank Oprah. In her book she writes: “I believe part of my calling on Earth is to help people connect to ideas that expand their vision of who they really are and all they can be.” Yes, with The Wisdom of Sundays, you’ve helped me see exactly that.

Where do you find yourself on your journey? Do you see who you really are and all you can be? What is your top goal for 2018? Let me know in the comment sections below.

P.S.: My top goal for 2018 is to publish my next novel, Freestyle Love, to rave reviews.

Don’t Be Discouraged

by Leave a Comment

Happy New Year!

I woke up on 1 January to the cruelest of jokes. At least I wanted to think it was a joke. The scratchy feeling in the back of my throat, and the pain swallowing. The throbbing between my eyes. The nasal pressure and congestion. This was how 2018 was starting out for me? It had to be a joke, right?

Nope. No joke. My body was, one more time, telling me to slow down and smell the roses, to let myself rest. Did I do that? Of course not. I still got on my flight to Vancouver and carried on as if nothing was wrong.

I’m back home now and feeling better. There’s just one thing. When I woke up this morning (Wednesday, 3 January 2018), I didn’t have a voice. Something happened between the time I went to bed and got up. As an introvert, I’m not much of a talker anyway. But at the moment, I can’t even say, “Hello,” into the phone.

This is not how I imagined starting off the New Year. I don’t like being sick because I don’t like to rest, be sidelined. I like to think — despite all evidence to the contrary — that I can keep going and going … like the Energizer Bunny. Sick, I’ve done a minimum amount of writing each day. Sick, I can’t seem to focus and feel like I’m spinning. Sick, I feel like everything comes screeching to a halt. I panic. I can’t breathe.

Why is that, bon gré mal gré, I’m so eager to look to the future and where I hope to be? All I end up doing is stressing myself out about things that I want (need) to get done and chastising myself even though I don’t have the energy to get them done. Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe.

I’m not particularly proud of the current state of my desk, but I seem to thrive on organized chaos. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.

So I’m stepping back and trying to be in the present moment, the now. I’m taking the time, sort of, to let my body heal. (It felt really odd to just lay on the sofa and chill for a couple of hours this afternoon, but I did it!) I can still be productive, but I just have to slow down my pace. Maybe I can’t write for long swaths of time, so maybe I organize my desk instead (it’s a disaster and has been for the past three months). I can catch up on my reading (I’m really enjoying Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita). I can check in with my writer friends on social media (I still struggle trying to balance writing and social media).

Falling sick at the beginning of 2018 reminds me that there are things beyond my control. Getting sick is one of them. It reminds me, too, that I am on a journey. And that I don’t need to rush. I’ll get to my destination in my own time, in my own way.

So as 2018 begins, I will try to simply savour each day, each moment along the way. I’m not going to worry too much about what I have or haven’t accomplished in the past three days. I’m going to begin, now, where I am, and the rest will follow.

I can, and will, follow the counsel of Corita Kent: “Love the moment, and the energy of that moment will spread beyond all boundaries.”

What are your goals for 2018? Have you started working to achieve them? Let me know in the comments section below.

Looking Back, Looking Forward

by 2 Comments

Whether it’s at Christmas or at any other time in the year, when I tell people I’m going to Port Colborne, the immediate question that follows is: where’s that? I tell them it’s not far from Niagara Falls and, unless they’re familiar with the area, they nod accordingly. It’s clear, though, by the stunned look still twisted into their faces that they really have no idea where it is. And that’s okay.

If I hadn’t met my partner, I wouldn’t have known where Port Colborne was on a map or that it even existed. It’s a city where, usually around major holidays like Christmas and schedule permitting, I get to escape the hustle and bustle of life in Toronto. It’d be unfair to say that there’s not a lot to do there. There are various events and activities throughout the year, and I’ve discovered Lucy’s Café — a wonderful Italian restaurant where the likes of Pierre Elliot Trudeau dined. But I don’t do much when I’m in Port Colborne. Not because I don’t want to, but because my partner and his family love routine. And heaven forbid anyone dares to break it.

So when I’m in Port Colborne (like I was over Christmas), it’s a time when I can disconnect from the world. My body decides to almost conk out. While I can never manage to nap in Toronto, there I spend the days trying to keep my eyes open. I’m convinced that, away from city life, my body tries to get me to slow down. And I resist at every turn.

But while I was in Port Colborne this last time, my body went into slow-mode. And I found myself thinking about the year that was.

The Year in Review

2017 was a big year for me. The journey was long, and at times uncertain, but a good year overall.

Actually, it’s been a phenomenal year as I ventured into the self-publishing world with the launch of The Flowers Need Watering back in February. Becoming an indie author, I’ve learned a lot about the self-publishing industry and myself. I know the journey is far from over. In fact, it’s only just begun.

With The Flowers Need Watering published, I then turned my attention to the rewrite of another novel-length manuscript, Freestyle Love (more on that below).

In the kitchen earlier this year. The braised duck leg was delicious!

I tried hard in 2017 to do the things I love because, as Lauren Vanderkam reminded us, “When we focus on what matters, we can build the lives we want, in the time we’ve got.” So I spent a lot of time honing my culinary skills, creating mouth-watering dishes for me and my partner to enjoy. Admittedly, my partner wasn’t too keen on everything I prepared, so I just started telling him it was chicken or beef. (Imagine, now, his unknown love for venison and bison!)

Recovering after the MEC 10K Series Race on October 29, 2017.

I also upped my running game — increasing my distance, improving my pace and running my first 10k race since 2010. While I didn’t achieve a personal best (I came close), I felt energized. I stayed active this year, running at least two times a week (often more). I kept pushing myself, and it paid off.

Yes, 2017 was a big year for me because I kept writing — despite the jet lag, despite the doubt that tried to silence me, despite when life interrupted. I wrote. Every day. And that proves that I’m still heeding the call of what it is I feel compelled to do.

2018: Looking Ahead to an Exciting Year

A ‘New’ Book: I’m gearing up for the rerelease of Freestyle Love, which was originally published in 2011. I learned a hard lesson with Freestyle Love, one that, thankfully, I wouldn’t repeat with The Flowers Need Watering: the importance of a professional editor. In reviewing the manuscript for The Flowers Need Watering, my editor hit on all the big-ticket items — character and plot development, structure, continuity, story arc, theme development, repetition and plot holes. He didn’t only point out what wasn’t working, but also what worked well. Through that process I realized something else. Maybe Freestyle Love, despite what I thought at the time, wasn’t my best effort. Now I knew I could do better. So I decided to try.

The release date for Freestyle Love has yet to be finalized, but I’ll keep you posted.

Twitter Fiction Tuesdays (#TwitFicTues): I’ll be continuing my popular Twitter Fiction Tuesdays series that explore the short story in 280 characters (or less). Join me Tuesdays at 12:00 pm (EST) by following me (@MMarcusALopes) on Twitter or by searching the hashtag #TwitFicTues.

Flash Fiction: In November, I began publishing short fiction pieces on my website. Appearing at least twice a month, these short fiction pieces make for a quick, intriguing read in 1,000 words or less. This series will relaunch in January. Stop by my website – www.marcuslopes.ca – to check them out.

A Final Note

As 2017 draws to a close, I want to thank you all for being a part of my creative journey. The road has not been easy, but I am grateful to you — everyone — who has supported and encouraged me along the way. I am where I am because of you, and I am eternally grateful.

Once again, thank you for being a part of my journey. From my house to yours, I wish you a Happy New Year filled with peace, joy, love and happiness!

Marcus