writinglife

Sometimes in life there are things beyond your control. You have to learn to roll with the punches. And that’s not always easy.

I know. I’m in a kind of precarious situation at the moment when it comes to my health. I’ve been in my doctor’s office three times since 6 August — first to discuss the symptoms that presented, then to follow up on each round of testing and decide the next course of action. There’s still no ‘clear’ indication of what’s happening or why. So, I wait. Wait for the next test, scheduled for next week, and then I’ll wait for those results. Waiting is the worst because, when I’m stuck inside my head, I imagine the worst of all scenarios. What if it’s this? What if it’s that? How will I react to whatever it is? Because maybe, after all is said and done, it’ll be nothing.

Still, I want to know what I’m dealing with, no matter what it is. The first diagnosis and course of treatment seemed to ‘solve’ one issue, then unearth another. What I love about technology is how it’s made accessing my healthcare reports easier. Through the Patient Portal, I can see when my results come in and my doctor’s instructions, like File or Contact Patient. I made the mistake on the weekend of checking to see if the latest round of test results were in. They were, but my doctor was on vacation, so I didn’t know if there was an ‘urgency’ — like the last time — for us to discuss them.

Returning from my doctor’s appointment yesterday, I know that it’s all beyond my control. Knowing that doesn’t stop me from brooding over what’s happening. I try to stay focused, but I know my productivity has taken a hit. Despite everything that’s happening, I’m trying to roll with the punches … take it all day by day.

But there’s a lesson in every situation. My takeaway is this: be sure that, wherever we are on our life journey, that we’re doing what we love. Now is the time to do it, because if we keep putting it off, we’ll never achieve the thing we feel we must do. We’ll never — and I love how Oprah Winfrey puts it — “[…] fulfill the highest, truest expression of ourselves as human beings.”[note]Oprah Winfrey, The Wisdom of Sundays, Flatiron Books, 2017, p. 8.[/note]

Now is the Time

Yes, now is the time, if you haven’t already, to strike out. Don’t wait until tomorrow to start training for that half-marathon. Don’t wait until you retire to write the book you’ve always felt was within you. Don’t wait until the beginning of the month to start that diet you’ve been talking about since 2016. Whatever you want to do, whatever you feel you can do … begin it. Now.

Let me give you an example of what can happen if you decide to wait. My father worked hard to provide for his family. It wasn’t until I was an adult, living on my own, that I understood the cost of raising a family, of living in this world (and that money didn’t grow on trees). We weren’t rich, we weren’t poor, but we never wanted for anything. We had the opportunity to travel — not extensively or luxuriously — but enough to not feel sheltered or uncultured. My father loved to travel and play golf. As his retirement neared, he said that travelling and playing golf would fill his days. A year and a half into his retirement (he was fifty-five when he retired), he was diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer and given about six months to live. He fought, fought hard to live … to travel, play golf, and do what he loved. My father passed away at age fifty-eight, eighteen months after his diagnosis.

Strike Out Now

Yes, strike out now … just because you can, and that can yield fantastic results. Let me give you an example. At the beginning of 2018, I didn’t make any resolutions. I haven’t done that for over a decade. On 1 January, I woke up sick — sore throat, nasal congestion, and upset stomach. The cold lasted for about two weeks. Tired, feeling crappy and unusually irritable, I decided on 17 January that I was done with alcohol. No more drinking (I didn’t drink much, anyway). No more cooking with alcohol. My goal was to quit cold turkey. And I’ve been sober for more than 223 days. Together with running and paying closer attention to what I eat, I’ve lost twenty pounds. My energy level is up. I’m sleeping better. But I didn’t wait for the beginning of the next week or month to go sober. I started that day, a Wednesday, and didn’t look back.

Yes, I can’t stress it enough. Now is the time to begin. Do it. Now!

On 17 January 2018, I changed the script. I stopped drinking. Not because I was being pressured to. Not because I didn’t know my limit. Not because alcohol was ravaging my life. I stopped drinking because I had to get my house in order. I was at a point where I couldn’t keep up with the big life questions being thrown at me. And worst of all … I couldn’t hear the answers.

Yes, it’s been 180 days since I stopped drinking. Actually, I did more than that. I decided not to consume foods that were prepared with alcohol in any way. No more boeuf bourguignon, coq au vin or tomato-vodka sauce. No more Baileys chocolate mousse.

Giving up alcohol wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. And, surprisingly, I didn’t miss it. I didn’t miss the glass of Kumeu River chardonnay with dinner or the mimosa when I went out for Sunday brunch. I didn’t miss meeting up with friends for a beer at Belfast Love. Life is a series of choices, and saying no to alcohol made me think about the choices before me — not only about food and drink, but also about my life.

I’m in my mid-forties now (I turn forty-five in August), and I’ve been building a career as a writer for a long time. Some days, though, I feel like it’s now or never. It’s not like I feel anymore that I need to quit my day job and write full-time, although I’d love to. It’s more about whether I’m doing all that I can to move forward? And that uncertainty and doubt send me into a panic. Do you know what I mean? I still keep writing. Every day. I keep showing up when I feel ‘bored’ or like I should give up. Despite my success — and there have been successes as much as failures throughout this journey — it’s hard at times not to keep asking myself, “What’s the point?”

What’s the point? is a question that can motivate me to keep pushing forward even when I don’t feel like it. Or it can stop me in my tracks. The latter terrifies me the most because it seizes upon my doubts and fears. It has the power to throw me off course. That’s dangerous because I’m trying to stay focused and be the best version of myself. Oprah Winfrey says it best: “All of us are seeking the same thing. We share the desire to fulfill the highest, truest expression of ourselves as human beings.”[note]Oprah Winfrey, The Wisdom of Sundays, Flatiron Books, p. 8, 2017[/note]

Staying Sober

What’s the point? I’m asking myself that less and less. As I’m striving to fulfill that ‘highest, truest expression’ of myself, the question that keeps popping up is this: How can I be of service? That’s a huge change that came with staying sober. It’s about how the Universe, through my words and my life, is trying to use me for a good greater than myself. And I still believe that through my writing, that greater good is about helping others get to the other side of forgiveness. It’s why I show up every day to write. It’s my calling. And I’ve heeded the call.

Sober, there simply is … clarity. I can see beyond the goal of commercial success that I’ve been — involuntarily or not — chasing after. It’s not about me trying to become a New York Times bestselling author. If it were, Lord have mercy, I’m doing it all ‘wrong.’ I’ve understood that being a writer is about falling in love with the process of writing. And I’m head over heels in love.

Going sober was a choice for me and a lot of people have weighed in on my decision. They tell me that, when the time is right, I’ll reintroduce alcohol into my life. But, honestly, I don’t see that happening. Not because of the weight I’ve lost (fifteen pounds through other dietary changes and exercise) or the money I’ve saved. Staying sober has become for me a state of being that helps me feel fulfilled by being of service, contributing to my community and the world. Staying sober brings those big life questions into focus and allows me to hear the answers when life speaks to me. Staying sober gives me the greatest chance at living my best life.

Sober, I’m living life the best way I know how.

Are you staying focused? Do you think you’re living your best life? How are you being of service? I’d love to hear your thoughts, so let me know in the comments section below.