Marcus Lopés

LGTBQIA2S+ Author, Blogger, Runner

Writing Life

Roll with the Punches

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Sometimes in life there are things beyond your control. You have to learn to roll with the punches. And that’s not always easy.

Out for an early run this morning (29 August 2018), and taking a moment to enjoy the fantastic view of Toronto.

I know. I’m in a kind of precarious situation at the moment when it comes to my health. I’ve been in my doctor’s office three times since 6 August — first to discuss the symptoms that presented, then to follow up on each round of testing and decide the next course of action. There’s still no ‘clear’ indication of what’s happening or why. So, I wait. Wait for the next test, scheduled for next week, and then I’ll wait for those results. Waiting is the worst because, when I’m stuck inside my head, I imagine the worst of all scenarios. What if it’s this? What if it’s that? How will I react to whatever it is? Because maybe, after all is said and done, it’ll be nothing.

Still, I want to know what I’m dealing with, no matter what it is. The first diagnosis and course of treatment seemed to ‘solve’ one issue, then unearth another. What I love about technology is how it’s made accessing my healthcare reports easier. Through the Patient Portal, I can see when my results come in and my doctor’s instructions, like File or Contact Patient. I made the mistake on the weekend of checking to see if the latest round of test results were in. They were, but my doctor was on vacation, so I didn’t know if there was an ‘urgency’ — like the last time — for us to discuss them.

Returning from my doctor’s appointment yesterday, I know that it’s all beyond my control. Knowing that doesn’t stop me from brooding over what’s happening. I try to stay focused, but I know my productivity has taken a hit. Despite everything that’s happening, I’m trying to roll with the punches … take it all day by day.

But there’s a lesson in every situation. My takeaway is this: be sure that, wherever we are on our life journey, that we’re doing what we love. Now is the time to do it, because if we keep putting it off, we’ll never achieve the thing we feel we must do. We’ll never — and I love how Oprah Winfrey puts it — “[…] fulfill the highest, truest expression of ourselves as human beings.”[note]Oprah Winfrey, The Wisdom of Sundays, Flatiron Books, 2017, p. 8.[/note]

Now is the Time

Yes, now is the time, if you haven’t already, to strike out. Don’t wait until tomorrow to start training for that half-marathon. Don’t wait until you retire to write the book you’ve always felt was within you. Don’t wait until the beginning of the month to start that diet you’ve been talking about since 2016. Whatever you want to do, whatever you feel you can do … begin it. Now.

Let me give you an example of what can happen if you decide to wait. My father worked hard to provide for his family. It wasn’t until I was an adult, living on my own, that I understood the cost of raising a family, of living in this world (and that money didn’t grow on trees). We weren’t rich, we weren’t poor, but we never wanted for anything. We had the opportunity to travel — not extensively or luxuriously — but enough to not feel sheltered or uncultured. My father loved to travel and play golf. As his retirement neared, he said that travelling and playing golf would fill his days. A year and a half into his retirement (he was fifty-five when he retired), he was diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer and given about six months to live. He fought, fought hard to live … to travel, play golf, and do what he loved. My father passed away at age fifty-eight, eighteen months after his diagnosis.

Strike Out Now

Yes, strike out now … just because you can, and that can yield fantastic results. Let me give you an example. At the beginning of 2018, I didn’t make any resolutions. I haven’t done that for over a decade. On 1 January, I woke up sick — sore throat, nasal congestion, and upset stomach. The cold lasted for about two weeks. Tired, feeling crappy and unusually irritable, I decided on 17 January that I was done with alcohol. No more drinking (I didn’t drink much, anyway). No more cooking with alcohol. My goal was to quit cold turkey. And I’ve been sober for more than 223 days. Together with running and paying closer attention to what I eat, I’ve lost twenty pounds. My energy level is up. I’m sleeping better. But I didn’t wait for the beginning of the next week or month to go sober. I started that day, a Wednesday, and didn’t look back.

Yes, I can’t stress it enough. Now is the time to begin. Do it. Now!

Letting Go of Perfection

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Earlier this month, I celebrated my 45th birthday. No fanfare. No outlandish party. No extravagant presents. Just a quiet day that started like most with a run, and then time writing and editing. It ended like most days, too, with a home-cooked meal and a relaxing evening at home. Perfection!

As perfect as it was, it got me thinking … am I too much of a perfectionist? The expectations I’ve set for myself — in almost everything I do — are high. Unbelievably so. And when I fail … Lord, have mercy, you don’t want to be in my sights. Because I’m angry at myself for missing the mark, and that doesn’t make me nice to be around.

Is Imperfection All the Rage?

For some reason, I’ve come across lately a lot of writing on the idea of giving yourself over to imperfection. (Is that life speaking to me and am I willing to listen?) The concept is simple: that being imperfect can help you achieve your goals more than being perfect. James Clear explores this idea in his article, “Why Trying to Be Perfect Won’t Help You Achieve Your Goals (And What Will),” as does Ray Dalio in his book, Principles.

Letting go of my need to be perfect all the time sounds great in theory. Translating it into action is something else altogether. I get the point so many are trying to make. When we show up to practice our craft, the repetition of the habit will help us to hone our skills, learn from our mistakes and become better at what we do. That’s why I write every day. But sometimes we spend so much time trying to perfect one thing that we ‘stall.’ We really don’t move forward. As a writer, I don’t want to spend my life trying to write one perfect book when I could, hopefully, write many. And then my goal would be to make each book better than the one that came before it.

Here’s where I struggle with being imperfect. As a self-published writer, the idea of imperfection doesn’t sit well with me. I’m not naïve. My writing won’t appeal to everyone. And as artists, no matter how good we think something we created is, haters are still gonna hate. But in an already crowded and competitive field, my books are my brand. If I want to build an audience and a solid fan base, I know my books need to be ‘perfect.’ That’s why I’ve learned the importance of hiring a professional editor, proofreader, book cover designer, and formatter. Who wants to read something that comes across as a first draft that’s riddled with spelling and grammatical errors? Or where there are problems with character and plot development, continuity or story arc? So, as an indie author I do — unapologetically — aim for perfection.

Saturday morning run (21k). On track to achieve my goal of running 200k in August. 24k to go!

But in other areas of my life, I am trying to let go of my need for perfection. Like running. There are days when I can run 10k at a pace of 5:02 per kilometre. Other days, it feels like a struggle and my pace, at 5:28 per kilometre, isn’t anything to brag about. I remind myself that it’s not a competition, which isn’t always easy when other runners speed past me on the trail. But I’ve shown up again, remaining committed to living a healthy and active life. In my interactions with my work colleagues, I’m relearning not to expect from others what I expect from myself. It’s not fair. I remind myself of the old saying I heard so often during my youth: “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.”

Lesson Learned

The biggest lesson that’s come out of this idea of not being perfect is this: I’ve accepted that it’s okay for me to not be able to do everything I set out to do well. There are areas in my life when I excel (strengths) and others where I don’t (weaknesses). I’ve learned — and am still learning — that it’s okay to ask for help. Asking for help doesn’t mean I’m weak. It means that there are people who have the skills to do well the things I’m not so good at. Why not ask for their help? No doubt, I’ll save myself a lot of time and frustration.

Letting go of perfection is a struggle because it means recognizing my limits, which can be extremely uncomfortable. It’s a journey that I’m taking day by day. It’s also about accepting who I am, as I am, imperfections and all.

As we navigate through life, doing what we love or are called to do, the most important thing we can do is be ourselves. And, to me, that looks like perfect imperfection.

Are you a perfectionist? Or are you striving for imperfection? Do you believe being imperfect could help you achieve your goals? Let me know in the comments section below.

Slow and Steady

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Out for a morning run, I stopped to take in the spectacular view of Toronto.

Slow and steady … that’s how I managed to run 15 kilometres this morning. There were times during the run when it hurt, when I felt like I wanted to give up. But I knew if I kept my pace slow and steady that I could go the distance.

For the past few months, I’ve been thinking about my life — where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m still looking to go. Maybe that’s what you do when the years tick by and, as my 45th birthday looms, the end seems closer than the beginning. But there have been many times throughout my life where I’ve taken time to stop and reflect, to figure out what exactly I’m doing and if I’m on track.

Know What is True

I am a writer. That is true. I know that because every day I write no matter where I find myself in the world — London, Copenhagen or at home in Toronto. Writing is what grounds me, gives me a sense of purpose in what sometimes feels like a chaotic world. And some days are a struggle.

A struggle, yes, because I’m really not sure how to define success when it comes to my writing. It’s hard for me to visualize what that success looks like. Is success about becoming a New York Times bestselling author? Is success hitting a target of, say, selling 80,000 copies of my books? (Can you tell I recently read How I Sold 80,000 Books by Alinka Rutkowska?) Is success about me making enough money from my writing to commit to it full-time?

Maybe it’s all those things and more. Or less.

What is true, then, is that I’m a little lost in the wilderness. And that’s okay. It’s why, now, I’m taking life slow and steady so that I can, as Ray Dalio advises, “Think for yourself to decide 1) what you want, 2) what is true, and 3) what you should do to achieve #1 in light of #2 … and do that with humility and open-mindedness so that you can consider the best thinking available to you.” [note]Ray Dalio, Principles, Simon & Schuster, 2017, p. X.[/note]

Getting at the Core of Things

For the past week, I’ve taken time daily to reflect on my journey so far, and to grapple with the idea that a principle-based life will help me figure out what I want and how to go about getting it. Subliminally, certain principles have always governed my life — be true to yourself, focus on what matters, think independently, don’t follow the crowd, etc. But now I want to dig deeper as I’m really thinking about what I want my life to represent.

The first thing I had to do was look at the reality before me and find a way to deal with it.[note]For me, perhaps the hardest principle I’m struggling with from Ray Dalio’s book is “Embrace Reality and Deal with It,” Principles, Simon & Schuster, 2017, p. 132.[/note] The reality before me is this: I feel stuck in a job that I’m not passionate about, but it gives me 13 days off a month. On the surface, that looks pretty good, having so much time off. But the demands of the job leave me exhausted, disrupt my sleep patterns, make me more prone to illness and, consequently, impact my productivity when it comes to writing. That’s also part of the reality.

So, the puzzle I’m currently trying to solve is how to live fully in this reality and create an acceptable balance. Writing each day moves me in the direction of my dreams. Remaining positive about what I can do — and not letting myself be overwhelmed or disappointed by the things that are beyond my control — help to keep it all in perspective. I’m doing what I can, with the time that I have, to do what I want and stay focused on what matters most. And again, taking it slow and steady, I know I’ll reach the final destination.

Push Your Limits

Taking time to think about the principles in my life is uncomfortable because it’s forcing me to see both my weaknesses and my strengths. It’s forcing me to admit where I’ve made mistakes and how to avoid making them again in the future. It’s forcing me to see the world — and my life — not as I believe it “should” be but how it really is.

Like I pushed myself this morning to keep running, I’m pushing myself in life to grow, to be stronger … to be a better version of myself. I know this process won’t be easy, and some days it’s going to make me squirm, but I’ll keep pushing forward. I know it’s the only way for me to be successful and to get out of life all that I want. And whether I succeed or fail, I know the journey will teach me more about who I am and what I really want.

Where are you now on your journey? What’s working for you and what’s holding you back? Let me know in the comments section below.

Standing on the Edge

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Do you know what you want out of life?

If the answer is yes, do you know what you need to do to achieve it?

I know I want to be a writer. Wait a minute … I am a writer. I want to be a successful writer, the kind who makes a living from it. Maybe that means trying to become a New York Times or Globe and Mail bestselling author. Maybe that means going on a book tour. Maybe that means giving up my day job so I can throw all my energy into realizing my dream.

Maybe it means none of that.

Because I’m in crisis. I’ve been in crisis mode since the beginning of the year. I’m stuck in a ‘funk’ that, despite what I thought, I haven’t been able to pull myself out of completely. I keep asking myself: “What am I doing?” and “What’s wrong?” and “What is it that doesn’t feel right?”

At Issue

Earlier this week I was in London, a city that has been like my home away from home since January. During my stay, I made a stop a Daunt Books on Marylebone High Street. While I was there, I picked up a book that had been recently recommended to me: Ray Dalio’s Principles. Afterwards, I stopped for a latte and scone at a café a few blocks away. It was a beautiful day, about 29°C, and the sun was shining. People were milling about the streets, weaving in and out of the shops. As I sipped my latte, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.

I had a little time before meeting friends for dinner so, soaking up the bright afternoon sun, I opened the book and started reading. By the third page of the “Introduction,” my heart was in my throat. Reading Dalio’s first principle, I finally understood what was wrong … why I haven’t been able to lift myself out of that funk. Dalio’s first principle is this: “Think for yourself to decide 1) what you want, 2) what is true, and 3) what you should do to achieve #1 in light of #2 … and do that with humility and open-mindedness so that you can consider the best thinking available to you.” [note]Ray Dalio, Principles, Simon & Schuster, 2017, p. X.[/note]

Like I mentioned above, I know what I want: to be a successful writer. But what I need to do is have a frank conversation with myself — acknowledging my weaknesses and my strengths — about what that success looks like. Or maybe the better question for me to ask is what level of success am I looking for and can I live with it?

What is true… I know why I write (to make an impact in the world, no matter how small) and that writing is the only thing in life that gives me purpose and a sense of fulfillment. It is a way for me to be of service.

Where I struggle is in what I should be doing to achieve what I want in light of what is, for me, true. That is why this year has felt like I’m just spinning and going nowhere fast. When I’m honest with myself, I’m still letting fear — of failure and what others may think of me — hold me back. To achieve what I want, I need to do things in ways that I believe are best for me and not worry about what other people think. No doubt, that’s easier said than done.

Moving Forward

2018 started out with some big changes in my life. I stopped drinking. I started paying closer attention to what I was eating, aiming to reduce my sugar and sodium intake. While I’ve been running for ten years, I’ve been pushing myself to run longer distances and started working out. These were the changes I implemented to primarily increase my energy level and improve the quality of my sleep. And the best part of all was that I also managed to drop close to twenty pounds. It wasn’t easy, but the results have made it all worthwhile.

Now, to achieve what I want to do I know I need to make other changes. I have my “5 Rules to Live By” to guide me through this transition period, but I know they’re not enough on their own. They’re a starting point. What exactly do I need to change? Honestly, I’m not sure. But I’m going to take some time to dig deep and think about the principles that will help me to get out of life exactly what I want. One thing is certain: I’m terrified. I don’t know where it’s all going to lead, how uncomfortable it’s going to get, or if I’ll even succeed.

But to succeed, I must change my habits and stay focused on what’s really important to me. As my journey moves forward, I expect to make mistakes along the way. At this point in my life, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I’ve been standing on the edge too long. It’s time to step off the edge and look fear in the face.

Are you doing what you should to achieve what you want? Do you have any principles that help you navigate through life? Let me know in the comments section below.

Writing Sober: How I Changed the Script

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On 17 January 2018, I changed the script. I stopped drinking. Not because I was being pressured to. Not because I didn’t know my limit. Not because alcohol was ravaging my life. I stopped drinking because I had to get my house in order. I was at a point where I couldn’t keep up with the big life questions being thrown at me. And worst of all … I couldn’t hear the answers.

Yes, it’s been 180 days since I stopped drinking. Actually, I did more than that. I decided not to consume foods that were prepared with alcohol in any way. No more boeuf bourguignon, coq au vin or tomato-vodka sauce. No more Baileys chocolate mousse.

Giving up alcohol wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. And, surprisingly, I didn’t miss it. I didn’t miss the glass of Kumeu River chardonnay with dinner or the mimosa when I went out for Sunday brunch. I didn’t miss meeting up with friends for a beer at Belfast Love. Life is a series of choices, and saying no to alcohol made me think about the choices before me — not only about food and drink, but also about my life.

I’m in my mid-forties now (I turn forty-five in August), and I’ve been building a career as a writer for a long time. Some days, though, I feel like it’s now or never. It’s not like I feel anymore that I need to quit my day job and write full-time, although I’d love to. It’s more about whether I’m doing all that I can to move forward? And that uncertainty and doubt send me into a panic. Do you know what I mean? I still keep writing. Every day. I keep showing up when I feel ‘bored’ or like I should give up. Despite my success — and there have been successes as much as failures throughout this journey — it’s hard at times not to keep asking myself, “What’s the point?”

What’s the point? is a question that can motivate me to keep pushing forward even when I don’t feel like it. Or it can stop me in my tracks. The latter terrifies me the most because it seizes upon my doubts and fears. It has the power to throw me off course. That’s dangerous because I’m trying to stay focused and be the best version of myself. Oprah Winfrey says it best: “All of us are seeking the same thing. We share the desire to fulfill the highest, truest expression of ourselves as human beings.”[note]Oprah Winfrey, The Wisdom of Sundays, Flatiron Books, p. 8, 2017[/note]

Staying Sober

What’s the point? I’m asking myself that less and less. As I’m striving to fulfill that ‘highest, truest expression’ of myself, the question that keeps popping up is this: How can I be of service? That’s a huge change that came with staying sober. It’s about how the Universe, through my words and my life, is trying to use me for a good greater than myself. And I still believe that through my writing, that greater good is about helping others get to the other side of forgiveness. It’s why I show up every day to write. It’s my calling. And I’ve heeded the call.

Sober, there simply is … clarity. I can see beyond the goal of commercial success that I’ve been — involuntarily or not — chasing after. It’s not about me trying to become a New York Times bestselling author. If it were, Lord have mercy, I’m doing it all ‘wrong.’ I’ve understood that being a writer is about falling in love with the process of writing. And I’m head over heels in love.

Going sober was a choice for me and a lot of people have weighed in on my decision. They tell me that, when the time is right, I’ll reintroduce alcohol into my life. But, honestly, I don’t see that happening. Not because of the weight I’ve lost (fifteen pounds through other dietary changes and exercise) or the money I’ve saved. Staying sober has become for me a state of being that helps me feel fulfilled by being of service, contributing to my community and the world. Staying sober brings those big life questions into focus and allows me to hear the answers when life speaks to me. Staying sober gives me the greatest chance at living my best life.

Sober, I’m living life the best way I know how.

Are you staying focused? Do you think you’re living your best life? How are you being of service? I’d love to hear your thoughts, so let me know in the comments section below.