Marcus Lopés

LGTBQIA2S+ Author, Blogger, Runner

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Letting Go of Perfection

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Earlier this month, I celebrated my 45th birthday. No fanfare. No outlandish party. No extravagant presents. Just a quiet day that started like most with a run, and then time writing and editing. It ended like most days, too, with a home-cooked meal and a relaxing evening at home. Perfection!

As perfect as it was, it got me thinking … am I too much of a perfectionist? The expectations I’ve set for myself — in almost everything I do — are high. Unbelievably so. And when I fail … Lord, have mercy, you don’t want to be in my sights. Because I’m angry at myself for missing the mark, and that doesn’t make me nice to be around.

Is Imperfection All the Rage?

For some reason, I’ve come across lately a lot of writing on the idea of giving yourself over to imperfection. (Is that life speaking to me and am I willing to listen?) The concept is simple: that being imperfect can help you achieve your goals more than being perfect. James Clear explores this idea in his article, “Why Trying to Be Perfect Won’t Help You Achieve Your Goals (And What Will),” as does Ray Dalio in his book, Principles.

Letting go of my need to be perfect all the time sounds great in theory. Translating it into action is something else altogether. I get the point so many are trying to make. When we show up to practice our craft, the repetition of the habit will help us to hone our skills, learn from our mistakes and become better at what we do. That’s why I write every day. But sometimes we spend so much time trying to perfect one thing that we ‘stall.’ We really don’t move forward. As a writer, I don’t want to spend my life trying to write one perfect book when I could, hopefully, write many. And then my goal would be to make each book better than the one that came before it.

Here’s where I struggle with being imperfect. As a self-published writer, the idea of imperfection doesn’t sit well with me. I’m not naïve. My writing won’t appeal to everyone. And as artists, no matter how good we think something we created is, haters are still gonna hate. But in an already crowded and competitive field, my books are my brand. If I want to build an audience and a solid fan base, I know my books need to be ‘perfect.’ That’s why I’ve learned the importance of hiring a professional editor, proofreader, book cover designer, and formatter. Who wants to read something that comes across as a first draft that’s riddled with spelling and grammatical errors? Or where there are problems with character and plot development, continuity or story arc? So, as an indie author I do — unapologetically — aim for perfection.

Saturday morning run (21k). On track to achieve my goal of running 200k in August. 24k to go!

But in other areas of my life, I am trying to let go of my need for perfection. Like running. There are days when I can run 10k at a pace of 5:02 per kilometre. Other days, it feels like a struggle and my pace, at 5:28 per kilometre, isn’t anything to brag about. I remind myself that it’s not a competition, which isn’t always easy when other runners speed past me on the trail. But I’ve shown up again, remaining committed to living a healthy and active life. In my interactions with my work colleagues, I’m relearning not to expect from others what I expect from myself. It’s not fair. I remind myself of the old saying I heard so often during my youth: “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.”

Lesson Learned

The biggest lesson that’s come out of this idea of not being perfect is this: I’ve accepted that it’s okay for me to not be able to do everything I set out to do well. There are areas in my life when I excel (strengths) and others where I don’t (weaknesses). I’ve learned — and am still learning — that it’s okay to ask for help. Asking for help doesn’t mean I’m weak. It means that there are people who have the skills to do well the things I’m not so good at. Why not ask for their help? No doubt, I’ll save myself a lot of time and frustration.

Letting go of perfection is a struggle because it means recognizing my limits, which can be extremely uncomfortable. It’s a journey that I’m taking day by day. It’s also about accepting who I am, as I am, imperfections and all.

As we navigate through life, doing what we love or are called to do, the most important thing we can do is be ourselves. And, to me, that looks like perfect imperfection.

Are you a perfectionist? Or are you striving for imperfection? Do you believe being imperfect could help you achieve your goals? Let me know in the comments section below.

Slow and Steady

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Out for a morning run, I stopped to take in the spectacular view of Toronto.

Slow and steady … that’s how I managed to run 15 kilometres this morning. There were times during the run when it hurt, when I felt like I wanted to give up. But I knew if I kept my pace slow and steady that I could go the distance.

For the past few months, I’ve been thinking about my life — where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m still looking to go. Maybe that’s what you do when the years tick by and, as my 45th birthday looms, the end seems closer than the beginning. But there have been many times throughout my life where I’ve taken time to stop and reflect, to figure out what exactly I’m doing and if I’m on track.

Know What is True

I am a writer. That is true. I know that because every day I write no matter where I find myself in the world — London, Copenhagen or at home in Toronto. Writing is what grounds me, gives me a sense of purpose in what sometimes feels like a chaotic world. And some days are a struggle.

A struggle, yes, because I’m really not sure how to define success when it comes to my writing. It’s hard for me to visualize what that success looks like. Is success about becoming a New York Times bestselling author? Is success hitting a target of, say, selling 80,000 copies of my books? (Can you tell I recently read How I Sold 80,000 Books by Alinka Rutkowska?) Is success about me making enough money from my writing to commit to it full-time?

Maybe it’s all those things and more. Or less.

What is true, then, is that I’m a little lost in the wilderness. And that’s okay. It’s why, now, I’m taking life slow and steady so that I can, as Ray Dalio advises, “Think for yourself to decide 1) what you want, 2) what is true, and 3) what you should do to achieve #1 in light of #2 … and do that with humility and open-mindedness so that you can consider the best thinking available to you.” [note]Ray Dalio, Principles, Simon & Schuster, 2017, p. X.[/note]

Getting at the Core of Things

For the past week, I’ve taken time daily to reflect on my journey so far, and to grapple with the idea that a principle-based life will help me figure out what I want and how to go about getting it. Subliminally, certain principles have always governed my life — be true to yourself, focus on what matters, think independently, don’t follow the crowd, etc. But now I want to dig deeper as I’m really thinking about what I want my life to represent.

The first thing I had to do was look at the reality before me and find a way to deal with it.[note]For me, perhaps the hardest principle I’m struggling with from Ray Dalio’s book is “Embrace Reality and Deal with It,” Principles, Simon & Schuster, 2017, p. 132.[/note] The reality before me is this: I feel stuck in a job that I’m not passionate about, but it gives me 13 days off a month. On the surface, that looks pretty good, having so much time off. But the demands of the job leave me exhausted, disrupt my sleep patterns, make me more prone to illness and, consequently, impact my productivity when it comes to writing. That’s also part of the reality.

So, the puzzle I’m currently trying to solve is how to live fully in this reality and create an acceptable balance. Writing each day moves me in the direction of my dreams. Remaining positive about what I can do — and not letting myself be overwhelmed or disappointed by the things that are beyond my control — help to keep it all in perspective. I’m doing what I can, with the time that I have, to do what I want and stay focused on what matters most. And again, taking it slow and steady, I know I’ll reach the final destination.

Push Your Limits

Taking time to think about the principles in my life is uncomfortable because it’s forcing me to see both my weaknesses and my strengths. It’s forcing me to admit where I’ve made mistakes and how to avoid making them again in the future. It’s forcing me to see the world — and my life — not as I believe it “should” be but how it really is.

Like I pushed myself this morning to keep running, I’m pushing myself in life to grow, to be stronger … to be a better version of myself. I know this process won’t be easy, and some days it’s going to make me squirm, but I’ll keep pushing forward. I know it’s the only way for me to be successful and to get out of life all that I want. And whether I succeed or fail, I know the journey will teach me more about who I am and what I really want.

Where are you now on your journey? What’s working for you and what’s holding you back? Let me know in the comments section below.

Standing on the Edge

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Do you know what you want out of life?

If the answer is yes, do you know what you need to do to achieve it?

I know I want to be a writer. Wait a minute … I am a writer. I want to be a successful writer, the kind who makes a living from it. Maybe that means trying to become a New York Times or Globe and Mail bestselling author. Maybe that means going on a book tour. Maybe that means giving up my day job so I can throw all my energy into realizing my dream.

Maybe it means none of that.

Because I’m in crisis. I’ve been in crisis mode since the beginning of the year. I’m stuck in a ‘funk’ that, despite what I thought, I haven’t been able to pull myself out of completely. I keep asking myself: “What am I doing?” and “What’s wrong?” and “What is it that doesn’t feel right?”

At Issue

Earlier this week I was in London, a city that has been like my home away from home since January. During my stay, I made a stop a Daunt Books on Marylebone High Street. While I was there, I picked up a book that had been recently recommended to me: Ray Dalio’s Principles. Afterwards, I stopped for a latte and scone at a café a few blocks away. It was a beautiful day, about 29°C, and the sun was shining. People were milling about the streets, weaving in and out of the shops. As I sipped my latte, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.

I had a little time before meeting friends for dinner so, soaking up the bright afternoon sun, I opened the book and started reading. By the third page of the “Introduction,” my heart was in my throat. Reading Dalio’s first principle, I finally understood what was wrong … why I haven’t been able to lift myself out of that funk. Dalio’s first principle is this: “Think for yourself to decide 1) what you want, 2) what is true, and 3) what you should do to achieve #1 in light of #2 … and do that with humility and open-mindedness so that you can consider the best thinking available to you.” [note]Ray Dalio, Principles, Simon & Schuster, 2017, p. X.[/note]

Like I mentioned above, I know what I want: to be a successful writer. But what I need to do is have a frank conversation with myself — acknowledging my weaknesses and my strengths — about what that success looks like. Or maybe the better question for me to ask is what level of success am I looking for and can I live with it?

What is true… I know why I write (to make an impact in the world, no matter how small) and that writing is the only thing in life that gives me purpose and a sense of fulfillment. It is a way for me to be of service.

Where I struggle is in what I should be doing to achieve what I want in light of what is, for me, true. That is why this year has felt like I’m just spinning and going nowhere fast. When I’m honest with myself, I’m still letting fear — of failure and what others may think of me — hold me back. To achieve what I want, I need to do things in ways that I believe are best for me and not worry about what other people think. No doubt, that’s easier said than done.

Moving Forward

2018 started out with some big changes in my life. I stopped drinking. I started paying closer attention to what I was eating, aiming to reduce my sugar and sodium intake. While I’ve been running for ten years, I’ve been pushing myself to run longer distances and started working out. These were the changes I implemented to primarily increase my energy level and improve the quality of my sleep. And the best part of all was that I also managed to drop close to twenty pounds. It wasn’t easy, but the results have made it all worthwhile.

Now, to achieve what I want to do I know I need to make other changes. I have my “5 Rules to Live By” to guide me through this transition period, but I know they’re not enough on their own. They’re a starting point. What exactly do I need to change? Honestly, I’m not sure. But I’m going to take some time to dig deep and think about the principles that will help me to get out of life exactly what I want. One thing is certain: I’m terrified. I don’t know where it’s all going to lead, how uncomfortable it’s going to get, or if I’ll even succeed.

But to succeed, I must change my habits and stay focused on what’s really important to me. As my journey moves forward, I expect to make mistakes along the way. At this point in my life, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I’ve been standing on the edge too long. It’s time to step off the edge and look fear in the face.

Are you doing what you should to achieve what you want? Do you have any principles that help you navigate through life? Let me know in the comments section below.

Writing Sober: How I Changed the Script

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On 17 January 2018, I changed the script. I stopped drinking. Not because I was being pressured to. Not because I didn’t know my limit. Not because alcohol was ravaging my life. I stopped drinking because I had to get my house in order. I was at a point where I couldn’t keep up with the big life questions being thrown at me. And worst of all … I couldn’t hear the answers.

Yes, it’s been 180 days since I stopped drinking. Actually, I did more than that. I decided not to consume foods that were prepared with alcohol in any way. No more boeuf bourguignon, coq au vin or tomato-vodka sauce. No more Baileys chocolate mousse.

Giving up alcohol wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. And, surprisingly, I didn’t miss it. I didn’t miss the glass of Kumeu River chardonnay with dinner or the mimosa when I went out for Sunday brunch. I didn’t miss meeting up with friends for a beer at Belfast Love. Life is a series of choices, and saying no to alcohol made me think about the choices before me — not only about food and drink, but also about my life.

I’m in my mid-forties now (I turn forty-five in August), and I’ve been building a career as a writer for a long time. Some days, though, I feel like it’s now or never. It’s not like I feel anymore that I need to quit my day job and write full-time, although I’d love to. It’s more about whether I’m doing all that I can to move forward? And that uncertainty and doubt send me into a panic. Do you know what I mean? I still keep writing. Every day. I keep showing up when I feel ‘bored’ or like I should give up. Despite my success — and there have been successes as much as failures throughout this journey — it’s hard at times not to keep asking myself, “What’s the point?”

What’s the point? is a question that can motivate me to keep pushing forward even when I don’t feel like it. Or it can stop me in my tracks. The latter terrifies me the most because it seizes upon my doubts and fears. It has the power to throw me off course. That’s dangerous because I’m trying to stay focused and be the best version of myself. Oprah Winfrey says it best: “All of us are seeking the same thing. We share the desire to fulfill the highest, truest expression of ourselves as human beings.”[note]Oprah Winfrey, The Wisdom of Sundays, Flatiron Books, p. 8, 2017[/note]

Staying Sober

What’s the point? I’m asking myself that less and less. As I’m striving to fulfill that ‘highest, truest expression’ of myself, the question that keeps popping up is this: How can I be of service? That’s a huge change that came with staying sober. It’s about how the Universe, through my words and my life, is trying to use me for a good greater than myself. And I still believe that through my writing, that greater good is about helping others get to the other side of forgiveness. It’s why I show up every day to write. It’s my calling. And I’ve heeded the call.

Sober, there simply is … clarity. I can see beyond the goal of commercial success that I’ve been — involuntarily or not — chasing after. It’s not about me trying to become a New York Times bestselling author. If it were, Lord have mercy, I’m doing it all ‘wrong.’ I’ve understood that being a writer is about falling in love with the process of writing. And I’m head over heels in love.

Going sober was a choice for me and a lot of people have weighed in on my decision. They tell me that, when the time is right, I’ll reintroduce alcohol into my life. But, honestly, I don’t see that happening. Not because of the weight I’ve lost (fifteen pounds through other dietary changes and exercise) or the money I’ve saved. Staying sober has become for me a state of being that helps me feel fulfilled by being of service, contributing to my community and the world. Staying sober brings those big life questions into focus and allows me to hear the answers when life speaks to me. Staying sober gives me the greatest chance at living my best life.

Sober, I’m living life the best way I know how.

Are you staying focused? Do you think you’re living your best life? How are you being of service? I’d love to hear your thoughts, so let me know in the comments section below.

Picking Up the Pieces

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I’ve been fighting a cold for the past week. It’s persistent. It doesn’t want to go away. The cough. The runny and congested nose. The pounding head. Waking up in the middle of the night covered in sweat. Yuck, yuck, yuck. I try to soldier on — acting like I’m healthy and invincible. I zip about like the Road Runner. Not this time. This cold has me beat and has brought my entire world to a halt. Now I’m picking up the pieces.

This time around, I decided to let myself rest. It’s the most awkward, unnatural feeling for me. I’m used to getting up around 4:30 am to make the best of the day (part of my “5 Rules to Live By”), but this past week the earliest I crawled out of bed was six. I usually run three to five times a week, but fighting this cold and with a sore hip — and having to run through the pain — I made it out for two runs. While I write every day, the sessions were shorter because I couldn’t focus. Projects moved forward, but I still felt like I’d fallen behind schedule. My evenings are dedicated to reading, but again this past week I curled up on the sofa to watch ET, reruns of Murder, She Wrote and The Big Bang Theory.

Routine is important – for both my writing and running. This morning, I’m getting both back on track.

Being sick is a sign. It’s my body telling me to slow down, rest … smell the roses. It’s a great way to get perspective on life in general — where I am, where I’ve been and where I’m still hoping to go. The past few days especially, when I’ve had no energy and have been glued to the sofa. Certain questions kept popping up: Am I where I want to be? What can I be doing differently? Am I focused on what matters? Being sick is also a reminder that it can’t be all work and no play. I need to remember that as I start to feel better.

And I am, finally, starting to feel better. That means picking up the pieces and trying to get back on track. It doesn’t feel as easy as I thought it would. I kind of feel like I’ve lost my groove, that I’m starting over from zero. Maybe that’s not a bad thing, either. When I step back from what I’ve been working on, I know I come back to it with a new perspective. I can see what’s working and what’s not. I have a better idea of how I’m supposed to move forward.

How We Define Success

Battling a cold for me can be dangerous. It can bring about a bout of self-pity, smash my optimism, and rattle me to my core. That’s because I can spend too much time in my head, and the only thing I hear is my inner critic telling me why I’ll never succeed, why there are so many people doing better than me. That’s when I need reassurance that I’m on the right path. So, even though I wasn’t feeling my best, I made arrangements to have dinner with another artist friend.

Oh, boy…

While I’ve only known my friend (I’ll call her Magda) three years, there are a few similarities between our stories. We’re both artists. I’m a writer, she’s a dancer. We’re both in our forties. We’ve been working passionately on our art for over twenty years in the shadows of day jobs that bore us. And for a good part of 2018, we’ve both been caught in a ‘funk’ that has kept us pinned down by doubt.

Over dinner, I listened to Magda talk and I could tell she was frustrated. She’d been trying to get to the studio to dance as much as possible. But lately, there were days when she just decided to stay in bed. That was odd because I knew dancing kept her grounded. Something was off, especially when she started talking about finding “something different” to do with her life.

“Besides dance?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. “Maybe it’s time for me to grow up and get a real job.”

“Where’s this coming from?” I asked.

I shook my head as Magda told me about her conversation with the owner of the dance studio where she works and takes classes. He asked her what she wanted to do with her life. She said she was doing it — dancing and performing as much as she can. For him — with his studio, steady income and a home with its white-picket fence — Magda’s bohemian life wasn’t “right.” She needed to settle down, work to build some sort of legacy. His question, and his idea of happiness, threw Magda off and ever since then she’s been questioning everything.

I get it. I get it so much. The life trajectory of an artist isn’t straightforward. We don’t all study art or obtain graduate degrees in fine arts or creative writing. We don’t all win fellowships or the Man Booker Prize. We don’t all open our own dance studio, gallery or self-publishing school. We know that the piano or painting or writing or choreography is our calling, but how we are called into service can take many forms. Sometimes, because of societal/familial pressure to go into a “safe” profession, we resist our calling until we can’t resist it anymore. We may not be able to just throw away everything for our art, but we dive in where we are and begin.

That’s kind of what happened to me. I was working on a master’s degree (that I hated and didn’t end up finishing), but somehow in the midst of a heavy course load I took a creative writing class at the local community college. When I was a civil servant (again a job I hated and ended up leaving), I worked with a writing coach long-distance. The artist’s life isn’t linear, and our journey is as important as what we produce. The journey is our fodder.

My friend Magda is letting someone else’s idea of success coax her away from what’s really important to her. And I think that’s dangerous. Some define success as being a New York Times bestselling author, becoming a millionaire, performing at Carnegie Hall, having your film win Best Picture at the Academy Awards, but I believe it’s more than that. Success to me is the person who says, “I’m going to write a book,” and then sits down to write that first sentence and eventually types, “The End.” Success is the person who sets out to participate in, say, three master classes in the next six months, signs up and attends. Success is the person who has a dream and, each day, takes an action to move the dream forward. Success is the person who tries, fails, tries again, fails again, and keeps on trying.

Sometimes we’re so preoccupied with getting to the destination that we forget about the journey. When we step back and look at where we began and where we are now, we can see that we’ve laid a lot of track. I saw that with Magda in April when I attended one of her dance performances. She’s hard on herself — we’re always hard on ourselves, comparing ourselves to others — but she’s a good dancer. She’s grown and matured in her art. To me, she’s a success.

Be Who You Are

The biggest challenge we face is to be ourselves in a world that keeps trying to turn us into something we’re not, to make us conform to a certain — acceptable — way of being. But Oprah Winfrey reminds us in her book, The Wisdom of Sundays[note]Oprah Winfrey, The Wisdom of Sundays, Flatiron Books, 2017, p.8.[/note] that “All of us are seeking the same thing. We share the desire to fulfill the highest, truest expression of ourselves as human beings.”

As artists, every day we are picking up the pieces in our lives and weaving together our own master plan for success. Every day we get to the page, the easel or the studio we’re successful because we’ve shown up to do the necessary work.

Success is being who you are and doing what you love your way. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

Are you where you want to be? Are you focused on what matters most? Let me know in the comments section below.